Hogwarts friends, Hogwarts enemies
by Indigo Ziona
Summary: Was young Severus's friendship with James Potter to be his salvation or his downfall? Is forgiveness possible when you have to forgive yourself? Just what did happen to Severus in Hogwarts anyway? An unlikely tale :) (Now even more AU and COMPLETE!)
1. First Day

Author's note! Hmm, what can I say? If I had written as my obsession demanded, this story wouldn't be the length it is today, and would also be finished. And would also be a lot less interesting. However, plot devices, original characters, and You Know Who managed to hijack this story and turn it into the mildly cute turned more-than-mildly sinister story it is now… Don't let the first chapter throw you off…

This came out of my story _Snape's Redemption _which is on hold until this is finished. But it's not a prequel - actually it's a bit AU. (You'll see by the end of this chapter!). All will be revealed… Now… I would say on with the fic… but it'd be more accurate to say, on with the original author's note…

Author's note (the first original Author's note) _– apologies for any Snape's Redemption readers (yes, all 2-4 of you), I'm still a bit unclear as to the next chapter, yet this story just popped into my head one day. It doesn't fit with Snape's Redemption, but it does just about fit with the books. I know exactly what's going to happen next, I just can't be bother to write it all yet, so this is just chapter one. Lots of the ideas from Snape's Redemption are in here, they just turn out differently. There will be surprises, I'm not going to make this orthodox. It's just a kooky sort of Marauder story…_

(Disclaimer- characters are all JK Rowling, except Mandy Farrell and a few others to come. If you don't recognise the name, it's probably mine.)

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Hogwarts Friends, Hogwarts Enemies

Chapter 1 – First day

The boy with black hair shuffled into the empty carriage and sat down, feeling agitated, nervous. In his Muggle primary school that his father had insisted he attend, he had been a misfit, not just because he was a wizard (how could they know?) but also because he was intelligent, quiet, unpopular. Would he be a misfit again? And how was his sister faring? They had always stuck together in their 'freakiness' yet she would have to go alone this year. But she would cope better than he had – she was so much braver than he was.

The door opened, and a bespectacled boy who looked about his age stuck his head in. "Hullo!" he said, brightly. "Mind if we sit in here?"

The boy with black hair smiled. "Go ahead."

The boy with glasses came in, carrying a large barn owl in a cage. He was followed by a chubby, cheerful looking boy with a temperamental looking cat that was white with tabby patches, not in a carrying basket. The first boy had a cat too, it was a tom kitten his sister had given him. Orion was embarrassing adorable, so much so that he mostly stayed in his owner's large robe pocket, until he grew up to look suitably vicious.

The bespectacled boy sat down, breathlessly. "I'm James, this is Peter."

The boy with black hair winced internally. Two of the most common names in existence just had to be the first to be introduced.

"I'm Severus…" He looked embarrassed. "My dad felt he had to make up for me being half-blood, I guess."

James laughed good-naturedly. "Oh, you should hear my middle name! Luckily they reckoned called me _just _Dionysus Potter was a bit ridiculous."

Peter choked on his chocolate frog, sending bits of it spraying everywhere.

"Wanna play Exploding Snap?"

When Peter had recovered, James pulled out his cards and they began to play. In spite of his enjoyment, Severus could not help a detached sense of surprise. It had been so long since he'd been accepted so readily. Maybe things were going to be different. After all, they were wizards, like him – it might be all right after all.

Moments later, another boy threw open the door. He was tall, white-blond, around fifteen and followed by a small horde of admirers. He wore and unpleasant smile.

"Firsties!" He exclaimed delightedly, and the horde sniggered.

James looked up, and said coolly, "Yes, that's right."

The other boy surveyed the carriage, and suddenly saw Peter's cat. Out came a wand.

"_Mycosa_!"

The cat seemed to _squeal_. It shot under a seat, whilst its skin appeared to erupt. Peter leapt forward furiously, and started to attempt to pound the blond boy, with utmost futility. The horde's laughter became uproarious.

"Peter!" James pulled his friend back from his useless attempts to batter the blond boy, and faced their adversary defiantly. "You're a bully. What did you do?"

"Just a little fungal hex," the boy said, nonchalantly.

Whilst he tried to coax the petrified feline from its hiding place, Severus allowed himself a quick glance of the boy. He felt a fleeting envy… a tiny part of him wanted that power, that nerve.

"Change it back," James said, menacingly. The boy smirked and strolled on down the corridor. Peter started after him, but James held him back. "It's not worth it, Peter," he said. "When we can to Hogwarts, we can tell a teacher then." Peter nodded grimly.

"Now… on with our game…"

***

James, Peter and Severus got out together, Peter's cat nestling terrified in his arms. James's barn owl was still asleep, and Orion was still cosily snoozing in Severus's pockets, oblivious. Hagrid directed the first years to several boats on the lake, and the three stayed together, joined by a talkative girl who introduced herself as Mandy Farrell, an a quiet redhead called Lily Evans. Mandy made a point of asking their names; Peter Pettigrew, Severus Snape, and…

"James _Dionysus _Potter," James told her, retaining an incredibly straight face. "I'm _very _picky about the Dionysus." Both Mandy and Lily giggled appreciatively.

"I'm Amanda Katerina Farrell, if it makes you feel better," Mandy said. "Have you got familiars? Mine's a toad. Take a look." She pulled out a huge green creature, and Lily yelped in surprise. "His name's Gregory," Mandy said affectionately. "He's an old family pet." She talked as if he were a sweet, loyal Labrador rather than a huge, ugly toad, Severus thought. Mandy was still talking. "I really _can't wait_… Does anyone know which house they're gonna be in? My family are all Hufflepuffs and…"

Everyone hushed. The castle was up ahead, immense towers of granite resplendent in the crowning glory of the golden shafts of sunlight striking through, and offset by the peachy sky of sunset. "Oh, wow…" Mandy was the first to speak. Again.

Soon enough they were ushered into the hall. There was a short delay whilst Peter told a strict-looking teacher, Professor McGonagall, about the incident with his cat. The professor took the terrified moggie and promised to find and chastise the boy – was it Lucius Malfoy? As they waited, James asked Lily, "So do you have a familiar? Mandy left us quite speechless." In spite of herself, Mandy chuckled.

"Oh, yes… Mum promised me a snowy owl, but she had to order specially, she's a Muggle you see…"

Mandy bounced in. "Wow, what are they like?"

"Er… non-magical," Lily said, stiffly, at a loss.

"I've got an owl too," James interceded, brightly. "He's a barn owl. His name's Dave."

"Dave?"

"Yup." James pointed to the slowly awakening bird. "Wakey wakey Dave… What about you, Severus?"

"Oh, um…" Severus felt awkward. "I have a cat. Orion."

"Where is he?" Mandy asked, eagerly. Severus reluctantly pulled the kitten from his pocket. Lily and Mandy both shrieked at once.

"He's sooo cuuute!" James laughed, and even Severus managed to smile as they both ticked and petted the bewildered cat, speaking to him in abnormally high voice.

"Think you got a winner there, Severus," James said.

"My sister gave him to me…"

Before long, they were ushered into the hall, and lined up. Severus took the time to looked at each individual table – Slytherin were green banners, and he saw the white-blond boy – Lucius Malfoy – returning from his talk with McGonagall to the Slytherin table. Ravenclaw were blue banners, Hufflepuff yellow, Gryffindor red. McGonagall was making the speech about the importance of the houses. She motioned towards a scruffy hat on a chair, which all of a sudden began to sing…

__

The Sorting Hat is what I am

Though I look torn and old

There's not one hat can parallel

The wisdom I have told

Countless first years, year on year

Have listened to my song

And then placed me upon their head

To see where they belong

The loyal go to Hufflepuff

The brainy – Ravenclaw

The cunning go to Slytherin

The brave to Gryffindor

So put me now upon your head

And let me see your mind

For if it's not filled with bits of fluff

I'll tell you what I find

The entire hall burst into applause. McGonagall began to read names. Avery, Andrew was first, and he was Slytherin. Barons, Adrian was Hufflepuff, Black, Sirius was Gryffindor. Sometimes it was quite quick, sometimes extraordinarily slow. Severus prayed he'd be a quick one. Evans, Lily was called and Lily had sat there for ages, giggling nervously – they'd been applause when at last she became a Gryffindor too. Mandy was up next, and it took a slightly shorter time to sort her to Hufflepuff, then two Ravenclaws, another Gryffindor, another Slytherin, another Hufflepuff, and then Peter, after a slight pause, was placed in Gryffindor, and then the hat barely had time to touch James's hair before it screamed to the hall that he was a Gryffindor too. There was applause for him, too, as he blushingly approached his new housemates. Soon after, Severus was called up, and tried the hat on for himself.

A tiny voice… "Well, you're an interesting one, aren't you… It's really one of two."

"I don't care," he thought back, stubbornly. "Just be quick."

"Isn't there anything you want from Hogwarts?"

Power? Admiration? Appreciation? They were all tempting. "I want to stay friends with James…" Hardly careers choice of the year. He was glad no one heard that silly, childish thought… he just wanted acceptance.

"Well, you can't do that in Slytherin. RAVENCLAW!"

The Ravenclaw table cheered, and he went to join them nervously. James waved and gave the thumbs-up. It looked like he'd have friends this year.

***

A/N – about Pettigrew lunging at Malfoy – he's a Gryffindor, once of the brave ones. I thought maybe we needed some evidence :-)

A/N 2 – In Snape's Redemption I make no excuses for Snape. In this story, there will probably be enough to send you into tears on Sevvie's behalf. Sorry about that.


	2. Fears and Flying

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Hogwarts Friends, Hogwarts Enemies

Chapter 2 – Fears and Flying

__

There's no sensation to compare with this  
Suspended animation, A state of bliss  
Can't keep my eyes from the circling skies  
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit, I 

- Pink Floyd, 'Learning to fly'

Severus was a little shy among his housemates, who all seemed to be making friends so quickly, but on the other hand, he was beginning to really enjoy lessons. Even in learning Muggle subjects in primary school he had always been far ahead of the rest and that was so boring, but Ravenclaws were the clever ones, and the teachers went on at a comfortable pace. He felt he was in his element at last.

Defence against the Dark Arts was easily his favourite subject. Professor Bulwark was a strange sort of man, with a sense of humour that crept up on you like a Tebo (a warthog with the power of invisibility), and lessons that frequently shocked the unsuspecting types. Severus felt all the better for this, as he discovered he had an instinct even for Bulwark's more unusual surprises – he was highly praised for this. Awareness was key when dealing with the Dark Arts, the professor told them.

Professor Bulwark was a radical, who had shown them each their Boggart and how to deal with it within the first week. With threats from Dark Wizards on the horizon, fighting fear was as important as fighting curses, and the Boggart was a way to do that. Severus's Boggart turned into a small crouching boy – oh dear, a victim of the Muggle bullies he had frequently, unwittingly, used magic upon when most afraid, but only enough to make them taunt him more because they perceived, dimly, that he was a weirdo. Severus cried, 'Riddikulus!' and the boy was robed, and had a wand. It was him, of course.

Potions was good too – due to the less intensive nature of the lessons, Ravenclaw shared them with Gryffindor, and he could talk with James and Peter, as well as their friends, Sirius and Remus. He liked Remus, too, who was quiet but seemed friendly. He wasn't sure about Sirius, who was rather sardonic, but James seemed to like him.

Severus quickly discovered he was talented at Potions too – he found himself surprised when he realised he had learned most of the _Magical Draughts and Potions_, correctly stating the ingredients of every potion they were tested on. No one seemed to mind that he'd placed himself top of the class so early, except perhaps for Sirius – or was that just paranoia? Sirius seemed a little put out that he got so many questions right.

Brewing their first potion, Severus was paired with Remus, James with Peter - Sirius was on the adjacent workbench with a Ravenclaw called Geoffrey Cooper, and they ended up discussing the whole lesson with the Boggart.

"Sirius had a horrible looking troll," James said, for Severus's benefit. "Nearly scared the rest of us half to death as well… He gave it clown's make-up – weird sense of humour Sirius has." He chuckled. "Remus had a crystal ball."

Severus looked at his quiet workmate, who was blushing. "Future scares me too," he said, in an attempt to reassure him.

Remus gave a small smile. "Why don't you tell him what yours was, James?"

James said, "Mine was the fear of people finding out my _real _middle name."

Peter sniggered, "Actually it was a gnome."

In spite of himself, Remus laughed, and Severus laughed a little too. James looked a little annoyed, but not particularly ashamed. "It's a phobia!" he said, defensively. Then he blushed and smiled. "Yeah, I know its crazy. They just freak me out…"

"What was yours, Peter?" Severus found himself asking the chubby boy, curiously. He didn't get a chance to answer, because James and Remus were now laughing so hard at the memory that Professor Samovar was glaring sternly at them. 

Eventually they got their breath back, for Peter to say in a small voice, "It was Professor Bulwark." Which started his friends off again. Severus was fascinated. "What happened?"

"Well…" Remus began. "He was so embarrassed, not to mention scared silly by the sight of _two _of them in the same room, that he couldn't think of a proper Riddikulus, especially without offending Professor Bulwark and making the situation ten times worse…"

"But…" James continued, "Bulwark realised this and was laughing so hard himself he completely put the Boggart off. He gave ten points to Gryffindor for the best laugh he's ever had. Apparently, no one's ever had _him_ before, which is surprising seeing as he does his best to terrify everyone."

There was a pause.

"What was yours, Severus?"

"Oh…" He paused. "A Tebo."

"What's that?" Peter asked.

"Invisible warthog," Remus explained. "Horrible things."

Whilst Professor Samovar was distracted with someone else's cauldron, James flicked open his copy of _Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them _to show Peter the description.

The lesson soon ended, and Severus reached for his timetable.

"Who've you got?"

"Madame Hooch… who's she?"

James beamed wide. "Flying teacher. Best subject ever. Apparently having the time of your life on a broomstick is actually _work_ in this place…"

It was Ravenclaw with Hufflepuff in the flying lesson. Severus lined up quietly with his housegroup in one line, and Hufflepuff lined up opposite.

"Severus!" a girl squealed, and a couple of the Ravenclaws laughed.

"This your girlfriend, Sev?" It was Mandy Farrell.

"Oh… er, hi, Mandy…"

She beamed. "How's Orion?"

"He's… fine…"

Mandy continued to chat enthusiastically. It was silly, but he felt a bit afraid of her. Or rather, he felt afraid that she would start to wonder why he didn't answer back with such verbosity… that they would all start to see him as quiet and strange…

Meanwhile, the Ravenclaws were sniggering unhelpfully at his obvious awkwardness. Minutes later, Madame Hooch entered. She was an awe-inspiring sight, wind-swept hair and owl-like eyes. As she spoke, he watched his classmates itching to use the brooms. It was a wonderful moment when the broomsticks leapt into their hands… and soon they were tentatively raising into the air, the breeze whistling around them and echoing their cries of delight. Madame Hooch wore a pleased smile at their elation…

Mandy had already got the hang of it, looping around her slightly more cautious friends. "This is great… Severus, you OK?"

Carefully, he moved his broom towards her, and then dared to swoop down to where they were. The girls all giggled at his shaken but pleased look. "Wow," he said softly, for a rare moment allowing his emotion to show.

"Brilliant, isn't it?"

"It is," he said appreciatively. He'd never felt so free. Up here, feeling like a child of the wind… it was impossible to feel anything but just right.

***

A/N – I never expected that meeting with Mandy!

A/N 2 – I dug out that Pink Floyd lyric after writing this chapter, and it's just right :-)


	3. Surprise!

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Hogwarts Friends, Hogwarts Enemies

Chapter 3 – Surprise!

Whispers in the corridor travelled down to the listener in the shadows.

"Where will we go?"

"Could do Gryffindor common room."

"Don't be silly. He'll be disappointed if Geoff, Sev and Mandy aren't there…"

"_Mandy's _not coming?"

"Oh, you know Remus… he's got a soft spot for the loud mouth."

"We'll smuggle them in!"

"Remus has a soft spot for Mandy? When she spends all her time dripping over Severus?"

"Cool it, Siri, cool it. Peter…" A pause. "Yeah… but if McGonagall finds out…"

"Oh yeah, that's coming from the one who let off a Dungbomb in Transfiguration last week…"

Chuckling. "Yeah… that was great. All right, I get your point. We'll get the fat lady to give them a password for a night… McGonagall need never know."

"And it _is_ for Moony."

Three Gryffindors shuffled along the hallway, whispering. One hidden Slytherin shifted off in the opposite direction. Malfoy would be interested.

*

It was Severus's third year at Hogwarts. Trials for the Ravenclaw Quidditch team were just next week, and he was doing better than ever in all his subjects. James was already a Gryffindor Chaser, and one of the most popular people in his house. Unlike Lucius Malfoy, and other popular people he knew, James seemed almost unaware of the universal adoration directed at him. The only bit of attention seeking he did was when he was causing trouble with Sirius Black. He had to admit, he rather admired their cheek. Somehow, he'd never felt quite at home with Sirius though… but despite Geoffrey Cooper being his usual companion in Ravenclaw, he considered James, Remus and Peter to be his three closest friends.

He was alone in the library, studying for a test Professor Bulwark had set. Bulwark seemed particularly jumpy these days… there had been more attacks from… what was his name? Voldemort. He was studying the forbidden curses. James wantd to be an Auror, and though Severus envied his typical Gryffindor courage, he couldn't see himself doing that, despite his passion for Defence Against the Dark Arts. He smiled to himself. It wasn't particularly 'cool' to admit it, but he'd like to be a teacher.

"Severus?" A small but clear voice. Oh, Selina.

He looked up. "Not now, I'm busy."

"What with?" She looked over, and made a face. "You study too much."

She had long black hair, clear blue eyes, and was taller than he was, much to his own annoyance. She was a Gryffindor – he knew she would be, even though he'd secretly hoped she'd be a Ravenclaw. His eleven year old sister had survived Muggle primary school, and had settled cosily into Hogwarts. Lily had helped to get her settled in.

"Anyway, Lily Evans gave me this for you." She held out a small folded piece of parchment. "It's not a love letter," she added. "She said to leave that to Mandy." Selina giggled. Severus strongly doubted the truth of the rumour that Mandy Farrell had a crush on him. Not when boys on the Hufflepuff Quidditch team had won the recent unnofficial competition for the most good looking males in Hogwarts. Of course, none of the staff had found out about that… although Dumbledore had remarked to the organiser, a Ravenclaw prefect called Jeanette Sellers, "What a shame I could not enter…" But he was probably talking about something else.

Lily was a strange one. She was deceptively quiet, and yet unlike most of the third year Gryffindor girls, who fawned over James, she spoke to him without hyperventilating, as an equal. She wasn't shy. And unlike most popular people, James didn't seem to see her lack of hyperventilation as a bad point.

"Have you finished bothering me?"

Selina rolled her eyes. "Severus, it's a lovely day. The sun is shining. You could be practising for your Quidditch trial." She leaned forward. "Read the note."

"OK…" He opened it up and read it. It was in James' handwriting.

__

Dear Sev,

It's Remus's birthday next week. He's seeing his mother this week, so he won't be seeing her next week. So we're going to have a surprise party for him. It's in the Gryffindor common room, but I know Remus would want you there. I spoke to the Fat Lady, and she says, just for that Saturday night, she'll let in people who use the password 'Honourary Gryff'. Teachers must not know! Bring food.

James, Peter and Sirius.

He grinned. Selina looked pleased, she was bouncing up and down. "Isn't it great? It's a Hogsmeade weekend, so all the prefects and older one who don't know about it won't be there!"

"What about the younger ones?"

"Lily says they're not going to tell most first and second years yet, they reckon someone will tell Remus, accidentally. But you know everyone likes him… And you'd take the risk of getting caught for Remus, wouldn't you? In any case, they're much more likely to listen to James than the older ones."

__

Remus would want you there. That meant a lot. He'd risk one of Bulwark's detentions for that.

*

Severus had never felt better. His new blue Ravenclaw Team Quidditch robes were in his wardrobe, 'SEEKER SNAPE' embroidered on the back in yellow. His hands were full of items he'd been graciously given by the house elves, his present to Remus tucked inside his pocket. His trip to the Gryffindor tower had been uneventful – he'd adeptly found his way through the many staircases.

"Honourary Gryff," he whispered.

The Fat Lady winked. "And congratulations on becoming Seeker, Mr. Snape."

"Thanks!" He was allowed in.

The first thing that struck him about the Gryffindor common room was that it was tidy. It was expected of Ravenclaw to have the tidiest common room – in truth, theirs was littered with wrappers and open books, and rolls of parchment, and various jokeshop items collected from Hogsmeade. It was practically impossible to walk in the Ravenclaw common room. There were various theories as to why this was, but the most widely accepted one was that all those Ravenclaw brains overflowed to the surroundings, resulting in a clutter of information all over the floor.

Lily, another Gryffindor girl, Peter and James were busy covering the place with banners. One which read _Happy Birthday Remus_ one minute would suddenly shimmer and change to _Lupin is the best_ the next.

"Hi Severus! Put some streamers up, won't you?" Severus complied, carefully standing on a chair to pin some up.

"Where is everyone?"

"In Hogsmeade with Remus. We managed to leave them there. Don't want Remus to get suspicious. Geoff and Mandy haven't arrived yet… Have you seen Geoff?"

"No… I haven't really stopped since the Quidditch trials this morning."

James perked up. "How did you do?"

"I'm Seeker." He tried to say it nonchalantly, but his pleasure at the news was obvious.

"Great!" James exclaimed.

"Yeah, well done," Peter said.

Soon, the decorations were finished. The place looked great. First and second years had begun to turn up, and stare at them in awe.

James got up to make an announcement. "The plan is, Sirius and Remus are going for a butterbeer whilst all the people invited sneak back here. We're all going to hide – behind chairs and things. Keep really quiet. And then the girl on the cake will start singing." The girl was an ornament, but she giggled when you tickled her and would sing 'Happy Birthday' on request. As James finished, his fellow third years arrived, all bearing Honeyduke's merchandise. "Great, that's all the Gryffindors… where on earth are Mandy and Geoff? Remus will be here in ten minutes!"

It was funny to see James panicking, whilst all the others urged him to calm down, or at least shut up. Geoff arrived a few minutes late, panting. "Sorry, I forgot the butterbeer!"

Two minutes left, and still Mandy Farrell had not showed. Thirty agonising seconds later, she too burst through into the common room.

"I'm here! I got so lost… Wow, this place looks great." The Gryffindors either chuckled or groaned, and James frantically told her to get down out of sight. He and Peter were the last left standing… and then suddenly they seemed to mysteriously vanish.

A voice was in the distance. "Really, Moony, you should visit Madame Malkins more often…"

Remus's voice, hushed. "What's going on?"

The ornament began to sing, beautifully and clearly. "Happy birthday to you… happy birthday to you…" James and Peter softly joined in. "Happy birthday, dear Remus…" The others took the cue. "Happy birthday to YOU!!" They ended it yelling, and all burst out from their hiding places.

Remus looked overwhelmed. Sirius chuckled. "Happy Fourteenth, Remus."

Remus sounded choked. "You guys are the best…" As soon as he could sit down, he was showered with presents. A group of first years, including Selina Snape, had bought him a mug with his name on and a heating charm to keep his hot drinks warm, that could switch to a cooling charm should he wish to drink something colder. Peter had bought him a pocket sneakoscope, which had immediately started to ring. For a second, they were all embarrassed, and looked at each other suspiciously, until at last James said, "All right, I admit it, I got the cake ornament from my cake last year…" Everyone breathed out at the same time, whilst Remus muffled the present under some cushions. 

Sirius and James jointly gave him _Great Werewolves of History_ which looked interesting, and also raised a few eyebrows. Severus had given him the dancing figurines of Remus's favourite wizard band, the Broken Broomsticks, singing their latest album, 'Sergeant Merlin's Lonely Hag's Club Band'.

"Thanks Sev! They're great!" Severus smiled as he did, and the tiny band sung their latest hit single. Although they seemed a little put off with several second years yelling "Play the Potion Girls!" and "The Bristol Banshees are so much better!" Mandy bought him acid pops and Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans. "Sorry," she apologised. "I'm rubbish with presents…"

Even so, Remus seemed overwhelmingly pleased with even acid pops. Peter lit his candles, and some of the other third years started calling for a speech. "All right then!" Remus said at last.

He looked around nervously at all the people gathered around. And then stood up, shuffling nervously. "I'd just like to thank everyone for this… I think this is the best day of my life…" (A few people said "Aaaw" as he continued) "When I first came to Hogwarts, I was really afraid I wouldn't make friends with anyone. You're all the best friends anyone could have…" ("You're welcome!" someone yelled)

"Thanks. I'll never forget today." Then he went rather red as he brushed away tears. Sirius laughed. "Come on cry baby, have a bit of cake."

The party soon got going… the Broken Broomsticks playing their cover of the Diagon Alley Preachers' 'If You Transfigure This, Then Your Children Will Be Frogs', Remus still emotional, but just about willing to dance with most of the girls who dragged him out to the specially cleared floor. Most of the others stood and watched or danced alone, as first Lily, and then Mandy both successfully managed to embarrass the birthday boy.

The party had been going on about an hour when suddenly everything went black. Everyone were silent for a few seconds, when suddenly a bluish green light appeared in the middle of them, and shifted smoothly, becoming human-shaped.

"What do you mean… by sssssselebrating here?" The voice was eerie, inhuman, ghostly. Severus heard Lily whimper.

"Ssssssertain doom must come upon you… else you must ssssuffer to give up your ssssouls for my pleassure…"

"Never." It was James. Typical James, being brave. Severus felt Mandy clinging to him… he gripped her tightly back. Icy breezes ran over them, sparkles danced in the air. There was an odd, swishing sound.

"Fool!"

Lily was crying… Remus was breathing hoarsely.

The figure shook angrily. "You have dared to awaken me from my ssssleep…"

Severus's heart was pounding – he and Mandy were practically squeezing the breath from each other… Mandy's hands felt clammy.

There was a silence of hours, it seemed. And then…

"WHAT is going on in here?" It was a prefect, Molly Jacobs. All of a sudden, the room was lit up, the fires burning again, and the Hogwarts pupils clinging to each other with fright gradually unhanded each other. The green figure was still there, but faded in the light, and obviously attached to the wand of Lucius Malfoy, and several other Slytherins.

Malfoy started to snigger, observing who was clutching who. Molly looked livid. "Would you care to explain how you got into the Gryffindor common room, Mr. Malfoy?"

Malfoy smirked. "I used the password, Ms. Jacobs. Just like those two Ravenclaws and that Hufflepuff girl."

Molly looked at Severus, Geoffrey and Mandy. She said, softly and dangerously, "How did non-Gryffindors get our password?"

James jumped up. "I can explain… It's Remus's birthday. We got the Fat Lady to accept anyone who used the password 'Honourary Gryff'… But we only told Sev, Geoff and Mandy…"

A look of horror overcame him. How had Malfoy known? He and Sirius looked at each other, and then at their three friends.

"And you decided to do this on a day when Prefects would not be around? How could you be so careless, James? You can come with me, along with Remus, Severus, Geoffrey, Mandy, and you, Mr. Malfoy, and your little fan club. Professor McGonagall will know of this…"

Bewildered and depressed, the five friends and the Slytherins trudged along behind the red haired prefect down the long way to McGonagall's office. Their head of house variated between fury at Malfoy's behaviour, and fury at James's carelessness. Remus was let off, as it was true that he'd had nothing to do with it, but James was put in detention, although he refused to name Sirius and Peter as culprits too, even though McGonagall suspected them. Ten points were taken from Gryffindor, ten from Ravenclaw, ten from Hufflepuff, and forty from Slytherin, not that Malfoy seemed to care. All points aside, Severus, Geoffrey and Mandy were all in detention too, along with the Slytherins.

"You'll be each assigned to help a member of staff with their morning chores. Furthermore, Mr. Potter, I appreciate that you wanted your friends present but why on earth didn't you ask me, instead of doing things dangerously in secret? I'm disappointed in you."

*

As the friends walked back together, there was an air of despondency. "I'm sorry, Remus," James said softly, at last. "I didn't know this would happen."

"It's OK. You know wanted things to turn out for the best."

"I just can't work out how Malfoy found out."

"Maybe he overheard someone talking about it… or was spying on us when we went in," Geoffrey suggested.

"Yeah, probably," James said.

That probably was indeed the truth. But when James and Remus returned to the Gryffindor tower, and they got the room cleared up, and settled down to play Exploding Snap, Sirius was struck by a horrible thought.

"Maybe someone told him…"

***

A/N Thanks to Angel without wings, for thinking up the band names 'The Broken Broomsticks' and 'The Potion Girls'. You're a babe, honey :-)

A/N 2 Read and review. Because only one person has :-(


	4. The Picture on the Daily Prophet

****

Hogwarts Friends, Hogwarts Enemies

Chapter 4 - The Picture on the _Daily Prophet_

It was Severus's sixth year at Hogwarts, and also the day after one his greatest moments of glory. The Quidditch season was now well under way, and yesterday Ravenclaw had utterly _smashed_ Slytherin. Ravenclaw had been 140 points up, their Seeker's fight for the Snitch had been terrifying, but Severus had caught it, right in front of the other's face.

He was seeing less of his Gryffindor friends these days. James, Sirius, Peter and Remus all seemed to be up to something, he didn't know what. Filch, the new caretaker, had none of the power of Apollyon Pringle, but twice the malice, and he seemed particularly hateful against the four Gryffindors. Today, Severus was a little more concerned about something else. During the match, Avery, the Slytherin Seeker, had briefly revealed a strange tattoo on his arm… he was sure he'd seen the same thing on Lucius Malfoy… and he wanted to find out what it was. The books were telling him nothing.

"It's useless… completely useless…" Not his words, but they could have been. Lily Evans fell into a chair by him, carrying a stack of heavy books.

"What?"

"This Potions test… I can't find the ingredients _anywhere_."

Severus smiled a little. Lily was a bit of a disaster at Potions, he wouldn't have been surprised if Samovar had deliberately prevented her from finding them. Last week's escapades with acne cure that turned out to be itching potion proved the point.

"I'll help you if you like."

"Oh, _would _you?"

She laid out the books rather aggressively, and he carefully picked out the one required, and flicked immediately to the right page. James found his girlfriend there a little later, completely unaware of his presence.

"Add some bat's whiskers… now you need the activator."

"The unicorn hair?"

"Yeah, that's right. How much?"

"Um…

"It's a proportion for a fixing agent – do it in hair length if you find that easier."

"Oh… one small pewter cauldron, so 15 centimeters."

"That's right…"

"And the potion will be pink!" Lily sounded pleased with herself.

"Good, but one last ingredient."

"Pond weed gathered at midnight!"

"Until the potion's dark green."

"Thanks Severus… I understand it so much better now… Oh, hi James."

James looked over the books. "Oh, that test… I was going to try glancing at the ingredients before we went in, can never memorise potions. Can I have my girlfriend back?"

Lily giggled. "He hasn't stolen me…"

Severus smirked. "I would have told her the ingredients to a love potion, but she doesn't have a great record of adding just one drop of dragons' blood…"

"Severus!" James and Lily said at exactly the same time, and then laughed. "You have an evil sense of humour," Lily said. "Anyway, James and I are off to Hogsmeade. We'd invite you but I suspect we'd bore you to death."

"Geoff and I were going to go down soon anyway… see you there."

"Thanks for all your help… James, Sev is the one to ask about Potions… he knows _everything_, I'm sure of it. Was it Potions you were going to teach? You'll be excellent…"

"Defence against the Dark Arts, actually…" But Lily and James were going, they didn't hear his last remarks.

*

He and Geoff arrived in the Three Broomsticks just in time for an apparent celebration. The Gryffindors were toasting to – Sirius? They sat down. "What's going on?" Geoff asked mildly.

Remus explained. "You know Hazel Redwings, our Seeker, came down with that magical strain of 'flu? Sirius just volunteered to be our Seeker in the Ravenclaw match! No one else was willing to do it on such short notice…" He smiled to Severus. "…You know you Ravens have a tough seeker."

"How is Hazel, anyway?" Mandy asked, overhearing the conversation from her gaggle of Hufflepuff friends.

"Madame Pomfrey was stumped for a cure, but Hazel seems to be fighting off the infection on her own. She should be better soon. She really wasn't up to it when we played Slytherin. _Great _victory yesterday by the way, Sev."

"Thanks."

He and Geoff collected a couple of butterbeers, and sat down with the Gryffindors. Sirius and James were clinking glasses. "All's fair in love and Quidditch!"

A commotion seemed to be starting in the other end of the pub – the _Daily Prophet_ being handed around, people talking all at once, but in hushed, emotional tones. James got up, and walked over.

"What's going on?"

"Don't you know?" A woman asked him, tearfully. She handed him a paper. The picture on the front was hideous green skull, with a snake winding through it… an apparition in the air not unlike Malfoy's prank ghoul. James swallowed as he read the headline.

DARK WIZARD TERROR ATTACK KILLS OVER 1000

*

The air was tense as they walked back. The gaggle of Hufflepuff girls was clinging to one another, James and Lily hugging, Remus, Peter, Sirius, Severus and Geoff all in solemn silence.

"It seems so surreal," Peter murmured.

"How could someone do that…" Remus murmured in an equally low voice.

"I feel guilty… we were just talking Quidditch like it was the most important thing in the world, and then…" Lily hugged James harder.

The horror was impossible to comprehend. Voldemort had completely destroyed an entire magical primary school – the Headmaster was a heavy campaigner for Muggle-born/Pureblood equality, and heavily against the Dark Arts. The parents had all been waiting to collect their children… The horror tripled in intensity when they encountered people who had relatives and friends who had been killed. Nothing was left but the 'Dark Mark', the huge floating apparition in the sky after the devastation.

Severus was shaken – and the Dark Mark, it was the tattoo he'd seen on Avery and Malfoy. How could they admire someone who could do this?

Back in Hogwarts, people were crying, talking in muted voices. Even the Slytherins were subdued, shifting around without saying a word. "I hope…" Mandy said softly. "I hope it makes some of them rethink supporting the Dark Arts!"

"So do I," Severus whispered. So many killed, it was terrible.

Instead of going to respective common rooms, all students were summoned to the Great Hall. Never had it been so full of owls delivering letters, never had so many people been hugging each other and tearful. As letters got opened, several people left the hall, soon followed by their respective head of house. Dumbledore moved to the front, his face grave. He stood up, needing no words to silence them. Everyone was attentive.

"Today, an act of great evil was done – and an act that killed many innocents who could have caused no harm to Voldemort. Many of us have friends or relatives who were killed or injured…" His voice was composed, but deeply sincere. Severus thought - _Many of 'us' – in this situation, we're all the same._ Dumbledore's voice became strained – touched with human pain, human emotion many had thought him to be immune from. "My niece Taryn taught at Greentrees Primary School for Magical Children… I know that others of us have similar stories. Even if we did not know those involved, this is a terrible moment – for humanity, as well as the magical community. 

There are few words that can be said on an occasion such as this – I have no way to comfort you in pretty speeches. All I can do is urge you to compassion – we must comfort each other, listen to each other's stories, and help one another stay strong after this great evil. I know that for many of you, Voldemort's acts were distant tragedies until this day. So I urge each of you to remember how you have felt today, and not let the evil acts go ignored or unnoticed – they cannot be tolerated. And remember this – beyond the Death Eaters, beyond Lord Voldemort, is our greatest enemy – the enemy of evil. Our greatest weapon against it is to do good."

Dumbledore said a few words, flicked his wand, and the tables of the Great Hall disappeared, and were replaced by numerous comfortable chairs. The students and teachers of Hogwarts stayed there until late hours, the curfew forgotten and the food informally laid out by house elves, who were also subdued and pale. Professor McGonagall sat on the floor talking to several young Gryffindors, Professor Bulwark was seen in the middle of a sofa, talking emotionally with a mixed group of all ages, Professor Flitwick shuffled around the Ravenclaws that were crying, offering tissues and words of sympathy. Selina Snape left her Gryffindor friends for a moment just to go hug her brother… Severus and Selina clung close in thankfulness that they still had each other. And each of the friends who had met in the Three Broomsticks went to bed hoping it had all been a bad dream – but when they woke up, the Dark Mark still drifted menacingly on the cover of the _Daily Prophet_.

***

A/N - I think there really are times when we have to remember the bad times.

A/N 2 - I stole a couple of the potion ingredients from another book all together. Anyone care to guess from where?

A/N 3 - I figure Potions is a bit like Chemistry, except instead of utilising chemical properties of materials, the wizard utilises the magical properties of the materials involved. There are probably items with magical properties that we Muggles don't even realise.

A/N 4 - Magical strain of 'flu - essentially, the influenza virus which has become resistant to magical cures.

A/N 5 - Witches and Wizards do not generally send their children to Muggle Primary School. Instead, they could go to a special primary school that caters for their children's special abilities and different upbringing, and can teach them to read/write/add up etc. in a way best suited to them. There are not many of these schools, and children are taken by Floo Powder daily as opposed to boarding.

Next chapter features the Ravenclaw/Gryffindor Quidditch match… and an accusation from Sirius.


	5. Bittersweet Victory

I was halfway through writing this when I realised that in Chapter 4 I originally said Gryffindor had not yet played Slytherin… well, I'm changing that. They have. It's more fun this way :-)

****

Hogwarts Friends, Hogwarts Enemies

Chapter 5 – Bittersweet Victory

As usual, the Ravenclaw common room was a mess. Two days before the Gryffindor/Ravenclaw Quidditch match, Severus was picking his way through piles of the week's _Daily Prophets_ and other assorted litter. He scattered some of _Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans _on the floor and he pushed his way through to the dormitory. _I've probably vastly improved the taste of them_, he thought wryly to himself, having consumed a snot flavoured one the day before. It had been a confusing, troubling week… Somehow he felt he owed it to Greentrees, at least, to remember what Voldemort had done recently, and yet in so many ways, life seemd so _normal_.

There seemed to be more of an effort to forget than remember within Hogwarts' walls. Now even Voldemort's name wasn't mentioned. It was 'You-Know-Who'. Lessons were going as normal, and apart from the articles in the paper, the events seemed surreal to all who hadn't known anyone affected.

Severus got his Quidditch robes, and prepared to wade back through the mess. They'd be practising today.

*

In the Gryffindor common room, James and Sirius were playing chess. And talking.

"Nervous about the match Tuesday, Padfoot?" James inquired mildly.

Sirius smiled. "Not yet. Sure I will though – Severus gives the other Seekers a hard time, doesn't he? Hazel told me. Pawn, take bishop."

James chuckled as his bishop was taken from the board. "I should pay more attention… Still, some sacrifices…"

"Prongs – what do you think of Severus?" Sirius said. It sounded like he'd been thinking about it for quite some time.

"He's a good friend," James said, not even having appeared to have thought about it.

__

Typical James. Trusting, brave, caring. Of course, we wouldn't have him any other way, but still…

"Why?" James asked, mildly. "Queen, take that evil pawn and avenge my Bishop!" Sirius laughed.

"He's a bit… odd."

James looked at him, seriously. "This isn't just jealousy speaking, is it?"

"No! Well… I admit, he does seem to do well in everything. Like you – I bet you get voted Head Boy."

"Thanks, although that detention we earned from Samovar last week might just speak against me… It was fun earning it, though."

"Oh yeah," Sirius laughed. "I've no idea how he found out it was us… maybe someone…"

"It just had to be us," James said. "Samovar's not a total idiot, he guessed! What's your problem with Severus?"

"I guess – he's just too good. And too quiet… I mean, I'm still friends with him, but if I wasn't, I'd probably kill him."

But Sirius didn't sound serious, and James knew it. Could Sirius _be _serious? Probably not. "Honestly, Sirius," he tutted. "Is this how you'll treat me when I'm Head Boy and Lily's Head Girl?"

"Oh, dream on," Sirius teased.

*

Out on the Quidditch Pitch, Severus swooped over the other players as he watched them practise. As Seeker, he occasionally caught himself feeling left out during practice sessions, whilst Chasers, Beaters and Keeper all ducked around each other whilst he watched for the Snitch. But that feeling was nothing to the feeling he got when he won a match for Ravenclaw, and the other players bore him aloft. The match with Slytherin – it had probably been the best night of his life.

All of a sudden, a Bludger was hit from within inches of his face. Severus blinked.

"Wake up, Sev." Severus turned to face Richard McNally, one of the two Beaters.

"Sorry," he said. "I was just thinking about when we won against Slytherin."

Richard beamed. "Yeah, great. But dreaming about it isn't going to win against Gryff, you know. Sirius Black might be a bit wet behind the ears…"

"I know," Severus said. "Sorry."

"It's Olivia, isn't it?" Richard said, motioning to the Keeper. Severus looked uncomfortable – he didn't blush, but then he never did. He refused to admit he had a crush on Olivia Kimmel, with her long shiny mahoghany hair, regal stature, silvery-grey eyes. He didn't have a crush on her. Not at all.

He glanced at her, her hair tied back, and thought how wonderful she looked in blue. He had a hopeless crush on her.

"No…"

"It so is."

"All right, maybe a little bit," he admitted. Unlike so many girls he knew, she could be silent and not act like there was anything wrong… when she smiled, she looked like she knew dozens of secrets and she was just waiting for the right person to tell. In many ways they were so alike – they both knew the value of silence. They both saw a wonder in the simple workings of magic. They both excelled in Potions.

"You'd better keep alert for the Gryffindor match, though," Richard advised. "With Potter, Spinnet, and Fitzgerald as Chasers, they could probably score 160 points before Olivia's finished putting her make-up on."

"Shut up." All right, he hadn't meant to say that, but… "Olivia's not shallow, you know."

"You're a hopeless case. I'll see you in two days time, Severus."

He then went charging after a Bludger, as Olivia and one of the Chasers started packing the balls away. The Golden Snitch was eventually coaxed from underneath one of the seats with some Pumpkin Pie.

*

Two days later, the air was tense with the Quidditch match looming. Possibly on account of Hazel Redwings' illness, Gryffindor and Ravenclaw were matched for points. During their match against Hufflepuff, Gryffindor had only won, arguably, because the Hufflepuff Seeker Gerald Tockley hadn't been paying attention to the score and caught the Snitch after Gryffindor were 170 ahead. Poor Hazel had been so under the weather during Slytherin's match, and James and a fellow Chaser, Robert Spinnet being still in the Hospital Wing after a particularly difficult occurrence in Care of Magical Creatures, that when Slytherin were 150 points up, and Hazel had spotted the Snitch within easy grasp, she had settled for a draw rather than a humiliating defeat. Ravenclaw, on the other hand, had lost to Hufflepuff on account of what Severus called 'lucky' for their Seeker, but had won against Slytherin so drastically they had beaten Hufflepuff for points, as Hufflepuff had only scored thirty points against Slytherin.

After eating a miniscule amount of breakfast, Severus rushed for the Ravenclaw changing rooms, nearly crashing into Mandy Farrell on the way.

"Sorry," he mumbled.

"Hi Severus – good luck!"

"Thanks," he called after her as he charged on.

"I'll be cheering for you!"

He found the other players in equally tense moods. Once they had all changed, the Captain, Samantha Keys, got up to give a pep talk.

"This is it, guys. Even if we beat the Gryffs by ten points, we've won the cup. Now we know that Potter, Spinnet and Fitzgerald are a hard bunch of Chasers to beat. We also know they've never been the same since Arthur Weasley left their ranks." Some of the Chasers laughed out loud. "Now I believe we can beat them. They have good Chasers – we have better Chasers."

"Yeah!" The other two Chasers put their fists in the air.

"They have a good Keeper – we have a better Keeper."

"Thank you," Olivia said smoothly, in her wonderful voice.

"They had _mediocre _Beaters, and we have a pair of the best Beaters who ever played at Hogwarts. And their Seeker is Sirius Black, who's greener than a seasick Slytherin – our Seeker is _Snape_." She put her arm around him. "Who caught the Snitch in front of Avery's _face _when we _trashed _Slytherin last week." She spoke with a voice full of pride for her team, and they all cheered. She hi-fived them all in turn. She glanced out, and looked at the dejected Slytherins, whose draw with Gryffindor had been the closest thing they'd had to a victory against their arch-rivals in years.

"We are gonna make those Slythies _so_ jealous."

They all joined hands and raised them to the air in a victory pose, whooping loudly, drunk on the adrenaline. And Severus, suddenly, uncomfortably, remembered the news he'd heard the day after that victory. Then he looked at the cheering crowd and tried to forget all about it. 

Outside, the scoreboard glittered, to remind them of the previous games.

Games played so far-

Gryffindor/Hufflepuff – 180/160

Gryffindor/Slytherin – 170/170

Ravenclaw/Hufflepuff – 70/150

Ravenclaw/Slytherin – 290/0

Hufflepuff/Slytherin – 30/160

Total so far-

Gryffindor – 350

Hufflepuff – 340

Slytherin – 330

Ravenclaw – 350

"…And here at last are the teams for the '76/77 Quidditch Cup! Both Ravenclaw and Gryffindor have 350 points already, putting them ahead of both Hufflepuff and Slytherin. This game decides which of them will go on to win the Cup…" Barry Jordan, commentating, was a Gryffindor, and quite plainly excited.

"Captain and Seeker Hazel Redwings still has 'flu, so Sirius Black will be playing Seeker for Gryffindor. He has a tough match in Ravenclaw Seeker Severus Snape, who caught the Snitch after a phenomenal Ravenclaw game against Slytherin last week. Ravenclaw Captain Samantha Keys and Gryffindor Stand-in Captain James Potter come down to shake hands. Tension is high on both sides. Professor Bulwark will be refereeing this match."

Severus swooped around above them, hoping to ease the butterflies. Sirius looked even more nervous than he did.

Half an hour into the match, several goals had been scored, and Gryffindor was ten points ahead of Ravenclaw. It had been a surprisingly clean match, both teams being run by conscientious captains, and Bulwark, darting around like a hawk, seemed almost disappointed at the lack of fouls.

"Ravenclaw now in possession, the Quaffle goes soaring past Gryffindor Keeper O'Halloran – that's ten points for Ravenclaw! The score is now forty all… No sign of the Snitch yet."

But no sooner had he spoken, than Severus saw the flutter of white little wings right behind Sirius's head. His heart leapt up. What if Sirius caught it?

__

Wronski Feint, he suddenly thought. 

"And Seeker Snape goes diving towards the ground like a man possessed. Is he after the Snitch? Black in close pursuit and…"

Severus pulled up within the nick of time, and soared towards the Snitch.

"Can you believe it? He pulled a Wronski Feint! Black is stopped short by the ground… Snape has a clear run at the Snitch… And he's caught it. Ravenclaw win 190 to 40."

Looking down far below, as he held the Snitch triumphantly aloft, Severus watched Sirius pick himself up. He looked livid. _I hope he's all right_, Severus thought. As they darted down to the ground to dance around the pitch, Severus did want to go see if he'd hurt him. But there wasn't time… Within minutes, he was on top of the two Beaters' shoulders, the Ravenclaws making a glorious procession back to the changing rooms, and he couldn't help grinning with delight. Olivia Kimmel smiled at him, her bewitching eyes twinkling.

The Quidditch Cup was presented in the Great Hall, the Ravenclaws sounding ecstatic. They had had a couple of close calls with the Quidditch Cup the past couple of years, and now they had won, the house was celebrating with all its might, various members sending off sparks, Honeydukes sweets covering Ravenclaw table and Professor Flitwick looking quite delighted – too delighted to reprimand any of his students for mischievious bending of rules.

The Gryffindors were mostly taking the defeat with good grace. When the now changed players came in, their table clapped, and all seemed reasonably content despite their loss. Except Sirius.

"I can't believe he had the nerve to…"

"Calm down, Padfoot," James whispered. "It's a Wronski Feint – a well-known move."

"It's a bit… Slytherin, isn't it?"

James looked at his friend, shocked. "Why do you say that, Sirius?"

"I don't trust him," Sirius whispered back. "You know that. That little move was rather typical of that old Slytherin cunning, don't you think? It's not like he even checked to see if he'd broken anything."

"What are you getting at?"

"Wait here…"

"Sirius…"

But Sirius, still wearing robes proclaiming 'Seeker Redwings' as he hadn't had time to change whilst the nurse had been checking for injuries, was a man on a mission. He got up, and marched towards the Ravenclaw table, a scarlet figure bright among the hordes of black robes.

"Severus, I'd like to talk to you."

Severus glanced at his carousing teammates, and then said, "Yeah – all right then."

Sirius led him back to where he, James, Remus and Peter were sitting.

"I'd like you to answer this where we all can hear you," Sirius said menacingly. "Did you tell Malfoy the password?"

Severus was surprised – or maybe disturbed would have been a better term. "What?"

"Remus's birthday, in the third year. Malfoy must have got the password somehow, and seeing as he never bothered us again, it can't have been from a Gryffindor. It was you, wasn't it?"

Sirius's voice was dangerous. _He's a maniac_, Severus thought. _He's well and truly cracked._ He felt his skin prickling, becoming hot with anger.

"No I didn't. You're my friends, I wouldn't do that."

"Then who did tell Malfoy?"

"I don't know!"

"And then why is it, you look and act just like a Slytherin? After you helped Lily with her Potions, she managed to ruin Samovar's robes…"

"That's hardly evidence," James cut in. "When you consider it was actually the correct potion…"

"Exactly," Sirius hissed. "If it was the right potion, it shouldn't have exploded like that…"

"I didn't do it," Severus said in a low voice. "And it was years ago…"

"So we should just forget about it, huh?"

"The real culprit was Malfoy, and he left. There's no way you can prove who told him now."

"Isn't that convenient?"

"Calm down, Sirius," James interjected. "Severus is right. I think you need to cool off."

"James, don't you see?"

James stared at his friend in a fit of indecision. He glanced back to Severus, then back to Sirius.

"Why don't you just sit down, Sirius?" he said. "Have some butterbeer…"

Severus walked back to the table, feeling empty inside. He'd watched James's face, and he realised, James wanted to believe Sirius. _If Sirius had any proof, James would hate me too_.And as he sat down, surrounded by admirers, he felt like the loneliest person in the world.

***

A/N – Luna Rose, your wish is my command :-)

A/N2 – Lataradk, I'm glad you like it. I realise it is a bit fast-paced, sorry… The thing is, ever since… Chapter 2, maybe… I've known almost exactly how this story will end. It might change along the way a bit, but I'm a rather impatient person. Ah well :-). Recently I decided to add in a few years of Severus's life I wasn't planning on including, so that will make this story a little longer, and I hope a little better.

A/N3 – Yay, I wrote about Quidditch! As the author's note above says, this wasn't originally meant to be the last match in the season, but I couldn't resist it.

A/N4 – I did say um… somewhere, in the summary I think, that there wouldn't be much romance but I figured there was no way Severus could get through Hogwarts without a crush on someone.

A/N5 – I forgot to mention, I'm in love with James Potter. If Lily figures more, she might be cast as me :-)

A/N6 – Apologies to any Sirius fans, this definitely wasn't his finest moment.

A/N7 – This chapter was originally entitled 'Quidditch Quarrels'… I like alliteration but I think 'Bittersweet Victory' fits better.


	6. Late night revelations

__

Thanks to my reviewers (more detailed thanks down the bottom!). This is quite a bit of a intermediary chapter. Already I've written more than I expected to write, and this chapter, which I thought would probably be the end chapter, is more like halfway through.

Also thanks to J.K. Rowling, who owns the setting and most of the characters, to Douglas Adams (there's a very slight Hitchhiker's guide reference), to J.R.R. Tolkien for the magnificent Lord of the Rings_, and to my Mum for not killing me when she walked in to find me writing this at 9:30 this morning, before I'd even got dressed, had breakfast, or even said good morning to anyone. I think I'm compulsive :-)_

****

Hogwarts Friends, Hogwarts Enemies

Chapter 6 – Late night revelations

In Ravenclaw, still delirious from their Quidditch victory, Severus was admired. Ravens he hardly knew kept coming up to him and congratulating him on the victory, Geoff Cooper kept making comments like "Severus Snape, Quidditch champion, told me…" and Olivia Kimmel had developed a habit of, during lessons, glancing over at her housemate in a distracting manner that made him feel shivery inside. It felt impossible to concentrate with her maddening, mercury eyes watching him.

Yet whilst he'd never felt more at home in Ravenclaw in his life, his other friends were being unusually cold. With Sirius, it was obvious that he was under suspicion. Severus felt bitterly angry at him. He'd been so jealous of the Quidditch win that he was bringing back ancient news. Malfoy had left, and the Slytherin accomplices with him. Wasn't it a bit late to be wondering who did it? But James, Remus, Peter… being Sirius's best friends and his housemates, they felt obliged to stick up for the delusional twit, didn't they? Severus bitterly suspected that they'd soon convince themselves that Sirius was right, because Sirius was a Gryffindor and he was a Ravenclaw, because Severus had helped beat their unbeatable team, and because Sirius was louder, more persuasive, and more daring than he knew how to be.

Even _Mandy_, loyal Hufflepuff who'd promised to cheer for him, even loud, soft-hearted, light-headed Mandy was being rather withdrawn from him. Of course, he'd heard rumours about Mandy and Remus, and it wouldn't surprise him if Mandy had decided that Remus was a much better recipient for the alleged crush she had allegedly had on him. But he would have thought that Remus wouldn't be so vindictive as to spread the stupid things Sirius was saying about him to make Mandy believe them.

Frustrated, he went into History of Magic, which they shared with Hufflepuff. Professor Binns had died several months before, yet with daunting persistence, he'd carried on teaching. As a ghost. When Peter… (that was painful remembering…) When Peter had said, "He doesn't know he's died", James had said, "I don't think he ever knew he was alive" and that just about summed up History lessons. What was worse, was that exam season had started.

Severus sat down dejectedly, as Mandy handed out sheets of parchment. They glanced at each other as she placed two sheets down onto the desk in front of him, laying them askew of each other. Her look didn't say anything, when usually she looked like she was bursting to say a thousand things.

"Thank you, Miss Fahrenheit," Binns said distractedly.

"Farrell," Mandy corrected, making several of the others look up in surprise. She hadn't sounded impudent, just plain fed up of hearing the incorrect name. But Professor Binns, especially as a ghost, wasn't the sort of person you talked back to, and Mandy looked at though she hadn't even noticed.

Severus's mind refused to concentrate on the exam questions. Whilst Binns was adept making at even the most exciting history boring (he made Dumbledore's defeat of Grindelwald look like a Muggle chess game – or maybe Snakes and Ladders), Severus usually excelled. However he had been occupied by the nasty situation of the past few days, and today he could barely remember who Merlin was, let alone anyone else. He felt so tired, so bored, and so weighed down by – things. He felt he didn't have the energy to care about the test today.

His ennui was interrupted by a sound – a light _swish _that seemed to come from the misaligned piece of parchment he had not yet written on.

__

You don't look like you've had much sleep lately.

He looked up, glanced around. His first thought was Olivia – he looked at her hopefully. She was writing a top speed, her curly writing covering two and a half sheets of parchment. He looked further – Mandy looked up, and glanced back at him, her quill having written a sentence on an otherwise clean sheet of parchment. Her.

He tried writing on the sheet of parchment.

__

You don't look like you've had much either.

I haven't.

How are you doing this?

It's a complicated spell Remus taught me. He's really good at parchment charms, you'd be amazed. Remember when Binns separated Julie, Maria and me because we talked too much? We couldn't take the most boring lessons without conversation.

It must be useful during tests.

Unfortunately, anti-cheating charms mean we can't talk about work, which is annoying because I'm flunking this essay. How are you doing?

I can't concentrate.

I've never seen someone so fascinated by the dirt in their nails. For a moment, Severus wondered if Mandy had been picking up on his own occasional sarcasm.

__

I'm not very happy.

Why did he have to write _that_? The trouble was, plain, unemotive words on a page were so innocent. They'd tricked him into confessing his feelings, to Mandy, who'd probably react by running around the Great Hall yelling, "Let's all cheer Sevvie up!"

__

Sirius is being a total prat.

He breathed out. _You think so?_

I don't think so, he is. When you've taken about a hundred injuries for Quidditch, and he gets a few bruises and then starts spouting things that aren't true, he's just being so childish.

James wants to believe him.

They're best friends. James doesn't want to think that his best friend's a total psycho. It's a pity that he is a total psycho.

A ghost of a smile made its way onto Severus's lips. Mandy wasn't completely airheaded after all. Maybe when she wasn't talking, her brain started working.

He wrote, _But you've never said anything._

I'm not very happy either. Sirius is depressing me even more.

What are you unhappy about?

For a moment, she didn't write anything. Severus glanced over, and her head was turned away, but her hand held her quill in midair. He wrote down some generalistic answers on the effects of the ban on dragon breeding.

__

I can't talk about it – not here.

There's never any time to talk.

No, there isn't. Stupid houses. I can't say I'm talking to you about homework or something, people'll ask me why I'm not asking a Hufflepuff.

Do you want to talk? Was he allowing her to confide, or desperately asking her to be his confidante?

__

I need to tell someone. No one listens. Then a line scratched through that sentence. _I'm sorry, I didn't mean to whine. I know you've got problems of your own._

It's all right. I don't mind listening.

I'll listen to your problems too. The writing came fast, urgently trying to make some amends for any perceived offence. _But there's never any time…_

If you can't sleep – He stopped. He couldn't ask her to break a rule.

__

What? Sneak out after curfew?

I can meet you. In Hufflepuff tower. He dreaded to think, she might get herself caught. He was adept at slinking through the corridors in Hogwarts, he found, even Peeves often couldn't find him. Doing it by night would be harder and easier. Harder to do it in silence, easier to do it in the dark.

__

In the Hufflepuff common room. It's not safe outside, but I'll be the only one up inside. The password's Kiwi Fruit.

A few seconds later, the password vanished.

__

Did you get that? I didn't want to leave it there too long.

Yes, I'll remember. Being told the password seemed – symbolic. She trusted him.

__

What time?

Is 1 o'clock too late?

It's just right.

*

The promise of being able to fight through this terrible loneliness, to stop hiding behind the Quidditch champion's mask, was fortifying. Severus managed to work up sufficient energy to finish the exam in front of him, even if it was a little substandard. He sighed as he saw Olivia ask for more paper. At the rate he was going, she wouldn't look twice at him.

After dinner, he went back to the Ravenclaw tower, and spent his time until half past midnight in the common room, pretending to revise for potions.

"Come on, Sev," Geoff Cooper had said. "You know you're going to pass that exam. Don't you want to play a game of something?"

"Exploding Snap never gets old," Richard McNally added, getting his card set out.

"Sorry," Severus said. "I'm not really in the mood."

"I'm sure Olivia won't mind if you don't score higher than her," Richard teased, and at that moment, awfully timed, Olivia herself walked in. Richard and Geoff unhelpfully cracked up.

She looked at the two boys with a bewilderment, and gave a sympathetic smile to Severus, and then carried on walking silently, majestically. He smiled back, shyly.

Eventually, Geoff and Richard got bored, and sloped away somewhere. As planned, Severus was alone in the common room. He could no longer concentrate on his potions book, and so decided to get something more interesting to read. Selina had bought him a copy of _Lord of the Rings_, a Muggle book, but an excellent read, he was finding. Wizard fiction was sparse, and much of it, he found, left a little to be desired. Some of his housemates couldn't imagine what he saw in Muggle fiction. They would have been fascinated by _Lord of the Rings_. He was intrigued by the whole creation, it seemed too sharp for the average Muggle (That was scarcely fair, seeing as he was half-blood himself, but perhaps remembering primary school coloured his perceptions).

Orion rubbed around his legs, and he bent down to stroke the tom cat. He sighed. He had attempted to raise the sleek black feline into a vicious, spitting monster, loyal to only his master, but he realised that either Orion was too soft, or he was too soft. The cat was the most placid and carefree of its kind that Severus knew. If Malfoy had cast a fungal hex on Orion, he probably would have scratched his ears and stared up at Malfoy with big amber eyes that said, "So what?"

Soon he realised it was time to go, and slipped on a black cloak, which was almost as good in the shadows, he decided, as the Invisibility Cloak he was sure James owned. He stroked his cat, affectionately, one more time. They shared an empathy with each other – he noticed that Lily and her snowy owl, Demeter, seemed to react to each other the same way, as if they always knew what the other was thinking. Peter's cat had always seemed to detest him, and after the fungal incident, it had barely emerged from under Peter's bed. Mandy's toad Gregory might have been fond of her, but it was impossible to tell with toads.

James, Sirius, Remus and Peter might have been the experts at sneaking around Hogwarts, but Severus had long ago discovered he had an instinct for navigating the many staircases. Orion followed him, and as he walked across a long corridor, the cat had padded away from him, and caught Filch's cat wandering nearby. The cat was only a kitten, but she was already full of spite, hissing at Orion, who gave the impression that he couldn't care less. Whilst the kitten squared up to the tom cat, Severus slunk past, unnoticed.

He thought as he walked, in these dark corridors, of Malfoy. He didn't know why Malfoy was such a bully, and he wondered whether he had spied all the time, waiting for a chance to cause trouble. Severus grimly thought that maybe Malfoy had threatened someone in exchange for the password – it could have even been a Gryffindor. He could imagine it, the tall, white blond boy with wand to someone's throat, saying, "Tell me the password, or…"

With the realisation that Malfoy probably worked for Voldemort, Severus knew that he might have even threatened the Cruciatus curse.

Even if someone had told Malfoy under those circumstances, it was forgiveable, he felt. Would Sirius think that, if it had been him? If Malfoy had said _Crucio _until he'd confessed it? Would that have been such an awful crime that Sirius would see fit to alienate him?

Would Malfoy really do that? Woud he do it to a girl? But probably not – the girls he knew, especially Lily and Mandy, would lie about the password, and then tell a teacher. James would probably bravely suffer the Cruciatus curse, until – he shuddered. The imagining felt so real in the dim light of the corridors, even though this was just speculation. The Gryffindors were all of that sort, foolishly brave. Maybe Geoff would have told. 

He felt uneasy. What if he had? What if they had been friends all these years and Geoff had never told him about it?

Up several staircases, he was in Hufflepuff tower. The portrait was a young girl holding flowers, and she was still awake, tossing individual blooms in the air and looking bored.

"Kiwi Fruit," he said.

She didn't look around. "All right," she said, and the portrait hole swung open.

Mandy was sitting alone, as she had said, wrapped in a black shawl. She looked up.

"You made it," she said with relief. "Did you get over here all right?"

"Yes, although Orion had to distract Filch's cat."

Mandy beamed. "He's such a lovely cat."

They paused, both slightly embarrassed. They both knew why they were there, and yet starting the conversation seemed difficult.

Severus looked around the room. Hufflepuff's common room was brightly decorated with colourful draperies, and a large portrait of Helga Hufflepuff smiled down at them from the wall above. She winked at him, and he looked away, disturbed.

He had now seen three of the four common rooms at Hogwarts – _It's not exactly likely that I'll ever see Slytherin's, _he thought to himself.

"Do you want to sit down?" Mandy asked softly.

They sat by the fire, Mandy rubbing her hands, Severus hunching forward to receive the warmth he had rather longed for in the draughty corridors.

"Anyway," Mandy said. "Sirius is being a prat."

Severus laughed a little at this abrupt conversation starter. "Yes," he said. "I think James…" This was difficult as James obviously didn't feel the same way. "I think James is the best friend I've ever had. Remus and I get on really well too – but Sirius… he ruins everything."

"What about your friends in Ravenclaw?"

"Geoff and Richard are good friends. Great friends, really. But in Ravenclaw – all of them see me as a person with no problems at all, if I seem unhappy, they take it as an insult. What have you got to worry about? You're the perfect Severus Snape!"

Mandy half-smiled.

"I can be myself with James – and Remus, and Peter, and Lily, as well. And you too." He shifted uncomfortably. "I haven't been sleeping…" He remembered their 'conversation'. Mandy really did look tired. "But neither have you? Would you like to tell me your problems now?"

She scratched her head, and looked away for the moment. "I'm glad you can be yourself with me."

There was a brief silence.

"I – Greentrees was my primary school, Severus." As soon as she had said it, the tears came. Severus felt horrified, that she'd let him talk about petty conflicts between him and Sirius, when she was sleepless over this.

"I'm sorry…"

"I didn't know any of the children killed – but the teachers. Dumbledore's niece taught me the alphabet, and Voldemort murdered her, as if she'd taught me how to torture people…" Mandy was crying properly now, clinging to Severus in spite of herself, like when the lights had gone out during Remus's party. "I couldn't tell anyone at the time, it was just too surreal. In the end, I told Professor Sprout, and she listened to me, but she was so busy and went so quickly, and I felt so alone amongst my friends."

Severus held her more gently than he had those years ago. He felt like a heart was breaking in his hands whilst he could do nothing to fix it. She pulled back out of his grip.

"I shouldn't be doing this – I shouldn't be trying to get your sympathy like this."

He stared at her in confusion. "It's all right Mandy – I owe you this much…"

"You don't owe me anything, Severus."

Her tone was strange, hostile, final. Her face, if it was possible, became even more pained.

"What I really wanted to tell you was – not this. I deserve to suffer alone. I've made you suffer alone."

"What do you mean?"

"I knew they were hurting your feelings, and yet I just stood by… No, that's not just it."

She wasn't making sense. Severus was quiet, allowing her time.

"Severus – I told Malfoy the password."

Was the world as he knew it turning upside down? Talkative, cheerful, friendly, forgiving Mandy was miserable, and guilty. Maybe Malfoy really had threatened her with the Cruciatus curse. As the expression of horror rose on his face, she actually looked frightened. "I didn't want to," she whimpered. "But I had to…"

"What did he do?" Severus breathed. "Did he try to hurt you?"

"He blackmailed me." That was a surprise. As if Mandy could have secrets, could have anything you could blackmail her for. He frowned, confused.

"What's the worst that could have happened? I thought… Hufflepuff loyalty…"

Mandy winced at that, and he wondered if he was being cruel. Although a small, evil voice inside him said, _Let her suffer._

"It was Hufflepuff loyalty, in a way," she said. "The Sorting Hat told me I had some Slytherin in me – I don't think anyone would guess that – and after my little brother Barry was Sorted, into Hufflepuff, he told me that the Sorting Hat had been switching between Slytherin and Hufflepuff – it couldn't decide which one to put him in, until he'd said that he wanted to be in Hufflepuff." She laughed, nervously. "Imagine being put in Slytherin, I think I'd leave, wouldn't you? One summer holiday I got home and there was a man in the living room, talking to my mother. He looked – like a vampire maybe. His name was Maximilien Malfoy. Lucius Malfoy's father."

Severus shivered. He had seen Malfoy's father, at King's Cross Station. A man dressed stylishly, but with inhuman, icy eyes, and an aloof manner.

Mandy had stopped talking. She fiddled with the tassles of her shawl.

"What happened?"

"Mum sent me out. Barry and our cousins were out playing Quidditch somewhere, she suggested I join them. But I listened to the conversation, instead. They'd put a block on eavesdropping charms, but Julie taught me a Muggle trick – you use a glass, and hold it to the wall. It worked pretty well." She paused, and absentmindedly chewed her lip. "Maximilien Malfoy… He… My mother had been very beautiful when she was younger. There are some photos of when I was a baby, where she looks so elegant. She and Malfoy's father were in school together. He met her again – after I was born." Mandy's eyes had tears in them, again. She was now talking haltingly. "He used a spell on her – I mean, it's a bit like the Imperious curse, but it worked on her mind, not her body. She would do anything for him – and… I mean…"

Severus touched her shaking hands, gradually understanding what horrific thing had happened. She gripped his, gratefully, and, not being able to say what he had done outright, she said, "Barry's Malfoy's brother."

"Malfoy blackmailed you with this?" Severus asked softly. Mandy nodded through her silent tears.

"Barry – doesn't know… I'm sorry, I should have told you before… I thought Malfoy had unleashed some hideous creature into the common room, I was so afraid. I thought he'd kill us all. Somehow, I'd managed to forget about him, I'd been enjoying myself. I wish I could have got Remus something better than acid pops, to make it up to him. I should have told you – I should have told Sirius…"

"It's all right," he said desperately. "I don't think I could have told anyone if…" Merely imagining Selina as a Malfoy was horrible. "Thank you for telling me – it means a lot, it really does."

She looked at him with melancholy eyes, and then suddenly realised she was still gripping his hands. She let them go, with a slight blush.

"Ravenclaw's password is Hummingbird," he blurted out. "I'm usually the last one studying late – if you want to come talk about it, or Greentrees, or anything. Don't take any risks though…"

"Thank you," she said, quietly.

Severus got up – and then remembered something. "The Sorting Hat mentioned Slytherin to me, as well. What would Sirius say to that?"

"You don't act anything like one," Mandy said.

"I should go now – our Potions exam is tomorrow."

"If you stay up much later, you'll be too tired to come top."

He smiled – she walked with him to the portrait hole.

"Still here, are you?" the girl with the flowers said, sounding bored.

Orion was outside – in the dark, Severus could still see the expression of delight on Mandy's face. He lifted the cat into her arms, and she petted him.

"You can keep him for tonight, if you want," he offered. "He's like a hot-water bottle. It's impossible to have insomnia with him around."

"Will you be all right without him?"

"I should think so – and it won't be so awful if I get caught, you know, Professor Flitwick can't bear to take points from me."

"Thanks, Severus."

"It's all right – I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yes – herbology."

Through the dark corridors, Severus crept. He felt too tired to think about what had happened, to analyse that terrible revelation. He felt a little lonely, not being able to go to sleep with Orion purring next to him, but he was grateful he was in good hands. He resigned himself to another long night - but something inside him was to rest knowing at least Mandy cared about how he felt, and wouldn't ignore it with "Come on Sev, he's just not worth worrying about…" In the dark, hazy night, Severus slept.

***

A/N – to my wonderful reviewers…

Ghost Dancer – Thank you!!!!

Sara – I do intend to finish it! Although as I said, I thought it would be finished by now… which just goes to show what happens when you get carried away with a story. Thanks for your review!

isa – thank you! And you're welcome for the review (especially as I didn't write very much!), I really liked your story, it was awesome. (storyid 703036)

Lataradk – I'm writing much more on the sixth year than I thought I would! I'm really glad you like the Quidditch match, one reason it took a while was that I wasn't sure if I could pull it off all right. Also glad you didn't find it predictable :-) I know the ending was indeed quite sad… this story's getting rather dark… _but _I can't write an entirely depressing story without getting depressed myself, so I can promise that there will be more cheerful stuff (see this chapter).

A/N 2 – Wow, a chapter with a reasonably happy ending. It sudddenly occurred to me that the past three chapters have all ended quite nastily… anyway, for you peeps who like happy endings, here's one.

A/N 3 – This was a sort of risky chapter to write, as it contained rather a lot of Mandy, and I've been soul-searching as to whether she counts as a Mary-Sue or not… Personally, I don't think she is, but still, original characters are difficult to add in, especially when they're not as adorable as Amaryllis, created by NytBloomer (storyid 572331 – this is an NC-17) or as just plain irresistibly Slytherin as Cerise Corvus created by Slytherin's Silver Snake (storyid 462519). Anyway, I hope you like her. I didn't intend to write this much on her, but I like her too damn much. On the other hand, if you thought the entire chapter was a misplaced disaster (review if you did) that messed with the whole mood of the story, worry not – there's going to be action in the next chapter!

A/N 4 – Severus is this story is definitely 'nice Snape'. He's a little like the Snape in Serpentina's 'A little of your time' (storyid 524807)… for the record, in my desperately requiring an update story 'Snape's Redemption', he's nasty, has no excuses Snape.

A/N 5 – I really should write shorter author's notes. 


	7. Fluxweed and Lunacy

****

Hogwarts Friends, Hogwarts Enemies

Chapter 7 – Fluxweed and Lunacy

"Name the three active ingredients in Polyjuice Potion." Professor Samovar was glaring at his Sixth Year Ravenclaw/Gryffindor Potions class, a week after the exam. The only hands that went up were Severus's, and a Gryffindor's, a girl called Jade Kingston.

"Miss Kingston."

"Sir, according to the syllabus, Polyjuice Potion should only be used for advanced work in the Seventh Year."

Several Gryffindors winced at this bravado. Samovar's voice was soft. "That is true, Miss Kingston. However, according to Professor Bulwark, you have all learned how to recognise someone under the influence of Polyjuice Potion. As you all know that this is exceedlingly difficult, perhaps you realised that further research into the ingredients of Polyjuice Potion would be useful?"

The class was quiet. Severus could see Lily playing with her hair, despondently. She didn't even look like she'd bothered to think about the answer. He put his hand in the air again.

"Yes, Mr. Snape?"

"Powdered Bicorn horn, Boomslang skin, and a bit of the person you want to turn into."

Samovar's lips curled into a rare smile. "Correct. Five points to Ravenclaw."

Severus distinctly heard Sirius mutter, "What an insufferable know-it-all!"

He sighed, as they were each given a piece of bicorn horn to grind up, by hand.

"Put your wands well out of reach," Samovar cautioned them, and they soon saw why when Peter sneakily attempted to crush the bicorn horn with a grinding spell. It exploded into his face.

Samovar didn't even look up from the marking he had decided to do. "I said wands away, Mr. Pettigrew, I have no desire to turn this into one of Bulwark's lessons. If you had remembered anything on bicorn horns, you would realise that when removed from the animal, they explode on contact with magic."

As Severus carefully crushed his own piece of horn, he couldn't help smiling a little. That was the sort of thing Bulwark would have enjoyed. Although he might have been a little more careful than to tempt a student to cast a spell on bicorn horn right in front of his face. When Lily had still been able to ask Severus for help with her Potions, she periodically complained about Samovar's apparent total lack of insight. She had occasionally teased Severus that maybe he should take over the Potions lessons, as he was a much better teacher. Sirius glanced back at him, saw the smile and scowled. _Oh great, now he thinks he's got another reason to hate me._

Whilst they were writing up the potion so far, Samovar announced that after nightfall – quite late, these summer days – they were all to collect fluxweed for the potion. A crack sounded, as Remus snapped off the end of his quill.

"It can be found growing around the lake," he told them. "And although you have no Potions lesson tomorrow, it must be collected tonight. It must be picked during a full moon."

The class collectively groaned, and mutters were heard that they had plenty enough to do already tonight. Samovar ignored them.

"Have you got a quill?" Remus whispered to his friends. "I just broke mine, and I can't use a Fixing Spell – the bicorn horn."

His fellow Gryffindors all shrugged. Severus leaned forward. "Here, you can borrow mine. I've already finished."

On his way back to Ravenclaw tower, Severus saw the four Gryffindors again. He meant to ask Remus for his quill back, and headed over to them.

"I'll collect yours," James was saying. "Are you sure you'll be all right, Remus?"

"Wait," Sirius said. "Outsider approaching."

He obviously didn't mean for Severus to hear that. Still, when Severus stared him challengingly in the eye, he looked back, as if he'd intended to shout it out to the entire school.

"What is your problem?" Severus asked, softly, dangerously.

"I don't have a problem, do you?" Sirius's voice was falsely offhand.

Severus felt like something had broken within him. He would not stand for Sirus's petty behaviour anymore, making him feel worthless. He didn't deserve that – he _didn't_.

"I don't have a problem – except for being falsely accused of a crime with no evidence. Except being judged and mocked and hated because of everything I do. Except being treated like scum, like a disease just because you can't take me being better at Quidditch than you. Except being treated like I'm not worthy to hold a door open for you when I'm worth ten of you. My only problem is you, Sirius Black."

Sirius was staring at him angrily, the other three Gryffindors looking concerned. As Sirius opened his mouth to respond, Severus turned away. Sirius started after him.

"Don't, Padfoot," James whispered. Sirius did hold back, but his face was red.

At around ten o'clock, sixth year students were dotted around the lake, with Herbology books and lit wands. Various students interweaved, talking about how ridiculous it was.

"I'll bet he has a whole stash of fluxweed gathered under full moon in his store room!"

"We so don't need as much as he told us to get – I looked it up. He wants us to stock up his own private store."

"How are you meant to tell what fluxweed is under this light?"

Severus and Geoff managed to find a secluded spot that had not yet been attacked by the indignant students, and set to work, pulling clumps of it out.

"Look, it's the Marauders," Geoff muttered. A little way along, unaware of their presence, were James, Peter and Sirius.

"Is that what they call themselves?" Severus's tone was derisive, but only because he was jealous of the stunts they pulled. And because of what he thought of Sirius. "Great – Remus isn't there. I need my quill back for tonight."

"Hey, Sev, what's the rush? You could do with a break from studying, besides, Sirius is probably still mad at you."

The tone of his voice was annoying, irritating, frustrating. Like he should care what Sirius thought. Like petty little Black should decide what he said and did. He was still friends with James and Peter, and Sirius should deal with that.

He walked up to them, and said to James, "Did Remus give you my quill? I have an essay to finish."

"Couldn't you finish it before, Mr. Perfect?" Sirius muttered. Severus ignored him – much to his fury.

"No, sorry," said James, in a strangely distant tone. "He's at his mother's again, and he must have forgot." He gave a strained smile. "Come on, let's look further around," he said to the other two.

They turned to leave.

Then Sirius looked back.

"Actually, Remus isn't at his mother's. He decided to explore the Shrieking Shack tonight."

Severus scoffed. Did this little twerp honestly think he was that thick?

"So he just sneaked out of the gates then? Good charm to do that, did Dumbledore give him permission?"

"There's a passageway. Touch the knot on the Whomping Willow and it'll stop moving – there's a tunnel hidden underneath it."

He turned curtly, and followed the others, leaving Severus simmering. He was certain Sirius was lying, certain it was a trick, and that Sirius thought he'd be too scared to try it. Maybe they'd all jump out at him and try to frighten him, or some other pathetic first year trick. Maybe they'd try what Malfoy had done – that would be ironic.

Well, he'd show them. He'd show Sirius. He'd go in, wand up, and disarm them all. He stuffed the fluxweed in his robe pocket, and called to Geoff that he'd be up later.

"I just have something I have to do…"

He traced the outline of Hogwarts, and the eerie sight of the Whomping Willow in the full moon, and crept over there, silently. In the silvery light, it looked like a great, tentacled creature. He could just see the knot, and as the Willow began its customary flailing, he grabbed a long stick and thrust it toward the target.

Miraculously, it worked. So, he should be on his guard – the tunnel might lead anywhere, so he'd better be careful. He took one last glance at the clumps of students like fireflies around the lake, and dipped into the passageway.

It was an earthy, dank tunnel, with the occasional striking shadow of a tree root scrawled across the wall, to the light of his wand. In the distance, he saw an opening, and decided to unlight his wand again, so as not to give them warning of his arrival, and sharpened his senses. He felt his way carefully through the pitch dark, to the place up ahead, dimly lit by the faintest of lights.

Then, he became faintly aware of growling.

"_Lumos,_" he said, cautiously.

A creature… a blood-thirsty, ravenous beast, huge teeth bared, huge evil eyes that seemed to glow with a sickly, poisonous yellow. Severus froze. The creature… a massive tawny wild wolf… paced towards him, sniffing the rancid air.

Gathering his wits at last, Severus ran, the beast at his heels, feeling the tunnel ring with its roars, the breath of it on his back like wind, and imagining with every pace, the wolf dragging him down with its awesome claws, and then – those teeth…

He was being pulled down – by human hands. A spectral figure leapt through the air, and gripped the creature's back. Whilst the wolf struggled to throw this figure off, the dark stranger fumbled for a wand.

"_Stupefy._"

The wolf slumped, the figure arose, carefully, cautiously, even tenderly, and extraordinarily, even gently stroked the shaggy fur, and moved into the light of Severus's wand.

"James!"

"Hello, Severus. Look – we've got to get out of here, he might awake any minute."

"You're telling me," Severus breathed. "But – how?"

"It's complicated. I'm going to kill Sirius."

Had Sirius known about the wolf? Severus asked himself, as they paced back to the Willow. What was a wolf doing, shut away in the Shrieking Shack? Where did Remus come into all this?

He felt sick. James had a grip on his arm, was leading him along like a blind man. A bloodthirsty wolf, yellow and silver in the light of the wand and the full moon. A brush with death.

James pulled him firmly through the tunnel mouth, and Severus stumbled.

"Are you all right?" he asked. What a ridiculous question.

Severus stared back at him, with horrified realisation. The trips to see his mother once a month, the book James and Sirius had bought him.

"That was Remus, wasn't it?"

***

A/N – As always, thank you my lovely reviewers – Sara the Green Witch and Polgara were kind enough to add reviews to Chapter 6.

Sara – Thank you :-)

Polgara – I'm glad you like her :-)

A/N2 - My review from Ghost Dancer seems to have disappeared! Was it me? Does he/she no longer like my story? I am confused. Is ff.net experiencing problems, maybe?

A/N3 – I love the way that whenever I decide to add little details they seem to become plotlines of their own right. For instance, I looked up the ingredients to Polyjuice Potion on the Harry Potter Lexicon (http://www.i2k.com/~svderark/lexicon/ - a site that is practically essential to the fanfic writer :-)) and the fluxweed really does have to be gathered at full moon. I made up the stuff about the bicorn horn though, I just thought that would be interesting.

A/N4 – I know I've been getting too immersed with this story when I spot several signs – firstly, reading Decoding of the Heart (story id 322665), Severus is described as being a real troublemaker at school, and crap at sport. Surely not! I think. Then I remember that actually _I'm_ the unorthodox one… Secondly, reading An English Werewolf in New York (story id 416304) there's a character called Amanda… I was a bit freaked, especially when someone called her Mandy. Thirdly, in another story I spotted Severus getting a bit infatuated with a Ravenclaw girl, and thought, of course, she's his house. Fourthly I spotted 'SEV' on a number plate, and mentally added 'ERUS' :-)

A/N5 – also in the middle of writing Chapter 6, I walked into the ladies toilets, only to overhear that two girls who share my first name were in there. One had the last name 'Farrell', and the other one I happen to know is the daughter of someone called Mandy.

A/N6 - this would have been out earlier today but I was watching Return of the Jedi. It was awesome!

Please review, even if you hate it :-) (but use constructive criticism!)


	8. Changes inside and out

__

A/N – Just out of curiosity, I was searching for my characters' names on Google. Eventually I decided to search for Mandy Farrell – take a look at this - http://www.alfordsmith.co.uk/mandy_farrell.htm

Mwahaha!

Also I found this… a 'Mandy Farrell' features in a Hanson fic (eurgh…) but a photo of this star was so generously included - http://www.angelfire.com/stars/fanfic2000/characterpics2.html

Erm… apologies to any Sirius fans… I do love him, honestly! Just he doesn't love poor Severus.

****

Chapter 8 - Changes Inside and Out

__

"The Devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendour. 'All this I will give you,' he said, 'If you bow down and worship me.' " – Matthew 4:8-9

"Fifty points from Gryffindor, and Mr. Black I can assure you, if it had not been for Mr. Potter's courage, the consequences would be much more serious. You would be expelled instead of on detention for the rest of term – and yet you would be lucky compared to what could have happened to Mr. Snape."

"Yes Professor Dumbledore – I understand." Sirius looked gaunt, pale – and almost as if he'd been crying. James was sitting between Sirius and Severus, and his anger had faded into an air of depression. Severus wasn't even looking up – he was staring at the wood pattern of the desk, wondering how Sirius could hate him so much. And thinking that detention for the last few days of term was seriously getting off lightly.

Dumbledore sighed, and dismissed Sirius to go to do detention with Filch, and Sirius trailed off like a dog with its tail between its legs. James looked pained, and Severus wondered how he could feel sympathetic at all. He didn't feel like he would ever trust anyone ever again.

Dumbledore was speaking to James now – something about being a credit to his house. Eventually, James too was allowed to leave.

"Severus?"

He looked up, to see the wide, earnest eyes of his headmaster looking at his.

"Yes Headmaster?"

"Do you realise what happened?" His voice was soft, sympathetic, concerned. Severus's reply was cold – but then his heart felt like ice.

"Yes, Headmaster."

Dumbledore sighed again. "Do you think you'll be all right? Would you like to visit the Hospital Wing?"

"I'll be fine." It came out stiff, and didn't even have his customary 'Headmaster' attached to it. Dumbledore's voice seemed like a echo from a distant shore. 

"Severus – I must ask you not to tell anyone what happened…"

"Because of Remus?"

"Yes – Mr. Lupin is an exemplary pupil – his lycanthropy is so unfortunate."

"He didn't even tell me." This was soft, thoughtful. He wasn't talking to Dumbledore, but himself.

__

He couldn't trust me – he suspected me of being the spy too. They all did. Did he really think I'd spread that news around? I thought he was my friend.

"Werewolves are used to being misunderstood, Severus."

"Of course – no I won't tell anyone."

"If you want to talk – with Professor Flitwick perhaps…"

"I'll be fine."

Dumbledore looked sad at these words, instead of reassured.

"Very well," he said, sounding tired. "I don't believe Remus told many people – not even your friend Miss Farrell."

A quick glance – and Severus wondered if Dumbledore knew about the late night meeting.

"If you ever need to talk about it…"

"I'll ask."

Dumbledore frowned.

"Please don't hesitate to."

"May I go now, sir?"

"Yes – of course."

*

__

Don't tell anyone? How am I supposed to keep that promise? Geoff and Richard were playing chess. Geoff looked like he was winning, and had just castled his king.

"Hey Sev…"

"Hey." Richard looked up. "What's wrong? Sirius being an arse again?"

"You could say that…"

"As usual," Geoff said. "Don't let it bother you. His bark's worse than his bite."

Severus groaned painfully. Sirius, as far as he knew, didn't have a bark or a bite. But he knew someone who did.

"I'm… going for a walk."

"Seeya mate…"

He sighed, and walked away. Would they ever understand? He walked to the library. The 'Marauders' weren't there, thankfully, but Selina was huddled up with a friend, revising for Transfiguration. He waved, but his little sister wasn't exactly a refuge in times of trouble.

Olivia Kimmel, browsing the Potions shelves – _If only._

Mandy was with her gaggle of Hufflepuff friends again. Laughing and joking over _The Teenage Witch _and looking content, the pile of dusty books barely touched.

"Hey, Severus!" she called, and he called a greeting back, earning a look from the librarian. But he didn't belong there. That night he had spent in deep conversation with her seemed like a dream.

After some reflection, he decided to go back to the Whomping Willow. Remus wouldn't be there now – he just wanted to see it in daylight.

The tunnel was cold, and a little wet. It was quiet, but not menacingly, tensely silent, like the night before. At the end of the tunnel was the Shrieking Shack, just as Sirius had said.

Severus was slowly beginning to understand. The Shrieking Shack wasn't haunted at all – it was a place for Remus to be during the transformation. The place looked awful, the furniture ripped, the walls scratched. This was what gentle Remus became… He felt disgust, betrayal. How could Remus become this?

The door was locked but an _Alohomora _charm made short work of that, and then he was out in Hogsmeade. Students weren't supposed to be out here at lunchtimes, but he couldn't care less at the moment. With his black cloak on even in this heat, he didn't look like a student, just a young man with things on his mind.

At a loss for places to go in the village, he wandered up to the Hog's Head – it was slightly rougher than the Three Broomsticks, but no one knew him there. He could probably get away with asking for alcohol, but he decided against it. He didn't want to get drunk… he just wanted to escape.

Even at this hour, the pub was packed with people – warlocks and hags intermingled, and Severus had to shout to be heard. There was a quality a voice needed to be heard in places like this, Severus's voice always came out seeming strangely muffled. The place was hot, sweaty and uncomfortable, but it was distracting. He was watching two men square up for a duel, a man with brown hair who looked furious, and a white-blond man who was laughing. He looked again – the white-blond man was Lucius Malfoy.

He watched the duel with grim interest. The staff didn't bother trying to intervene, and he could understand why, knowing Malfoy. 

A small crowd gathered around them – Malfoy's opponent threw a few curses which he blocked easily, and then Malfoy said, genteelly (which was frightening), "_Constrictus._"

His opponent looked like he was being strangled. It was horrible, watching him gag for breath, dropping his wand, and whispering out words that begged for mercy. Severus remembered that day on the Hogwarts Express, when he'd been trying to calm Peter's cat and the way Malfoy had looked then.

He remembered the ghost of envy he'd felt.

Now, the envy was clearer, Slytherin green and deadly. It was not with disgust or horror that he watched the gagging man, but a sick fascination. An addictive treat with a bitter taste…

Malfoy raised his wand, and his opponent fell to the floor, gasping. The white-blond man turned away, and nonchalantly went up to order a drink.

"Malfoy."

Severus hadn't quite meant to say it aloud, but he had, and miraculously, loud enough for Malfoy to hear. He turned.

"Yes?"

His tone was uninterested, his face held no recognition. It was hard to believe Barry Farrell, Mandy's gregarious younger brother, was in any way related to him.

"You're a Death Eater, aren't you."

That shouldn't have come out either, not quite great conversation. _Do you serve You-Know-Who? Just wondering. We should talk about that, sounds fascinating._

Malfoy looked back at him, interested now. "Yes I am. And you are?"

"Severus Snape."

Malfoy looked thoughtful. He frowned. "The Hufflepuff Seeker?"

"Ravenclaw."

"Close enough. So what are you going to do about it, Severus Snape?"

"I just – wondered why, that's all."

He smirked. "Listen – Severus. There is no good and evil. There's only power and those to weak to seek it. Understand?"

Severus felt numb – the frostbite had spread, evidently. He nodded. "Yes, I know."

"And?"

"Nothing."

Everything seemed like it was a million miles away. Severus sipped his drink with no awareness that it had even gone down, looked at Malfoy like he was a photograph, or a character in a play. Friends betray… teachers misjudge… the evil win… no good or evil, only power. Only power.

"What if I said I'd like to join you?"

Malfoy's face split into derisive amusement. "Can you Apparate?"

Severus stared at him, suspiciously. "You don't get your license until the end of school. You were serving… Voldemort… before you had left Hogwarts."

"I didn't ask if you had a license, Snapey, I asked if you could Apparate. Avery could Apparate when he was in the third year. Not bad, although I could do it practically from birth anyway."

"We're being taught how…" Severus said. "But it's unsafe without proper supervision…"

__

What a stupid thing to say. Like he cares.

"Oh, really? Perhaps you'd like to run back to school now, playtime's almost over."

"I _can _Apparate," he said, sounding more sure of himself now. "What do you want me to do?"

"Now that's more like it… Come with me. Unless you don't want to be late for lessons, of course."

"I'll be fine." Severus's tone was hostile, but it made Malfoy seem even more amused. "All right then, come on."

Outside behind the pub, Malfoy said, "It's called Ahriman Manor." He didn't say anything more – this was not going to be like Flitwick, who would give you half-a-dozen clues to follow. Severus had to do it blind, risking ending up lost or even destroying himself when he magically attempted to send himself to an amalglamation of places.

__

Concentrate, Severus, concentrate.

He was tempted to allow his imagination to run wild, imagining Ahriman Manor. Imagining was usually a safe technique as far as Flitwick was concerned, because you were only Apparating to places you knew. Some people never Apparated to places they didn't know, and if it was done at all, it should be tentatively. He couldn't allow himself to imagine a background for the name – he might find himself in some place that imagination, or no place at all. He just had to concentrate on the name itself.

__

Ahriman Manor, Ahriman Manor, Ahriman Manor.

A bleak Gothic building, covered in ivy. In his mind's eye, Severus was drawn in, through the huge gates, rushed up dark corridors, lit by torches, into a room. A figure – a face – glowing red eyes. Something barely human… It was right in front of him, closer and closer.

__

"Come… my servant…"

A voice that ripped into his soul, inexpressible fear, flight, something seizing hold of him. A hunger for whatever it was, a fierce desire for what laid in front of him, a yearning for that which he hated. He screamed and the whole world shattered around him, tumbling…

*

He was lying on the ground, on grass, screaming and bawling his eyes out. The amusement from Malfoy's eyes was gone, but he was not looking at Severus, but ahead to the mansion that was casting its shadow onto the earth. Severus struggled to his feet, ashamed, but disturbed. 

"Apparition… is not… meant to happen like that…" His face was wet with grass and tears, all his limbs aching with immense pain, as if he had crawled on them for a hundred miles.

"Get used to it," Malfoy snapped.

"I saw…"

"Follow me."

He marched on, into the doors and up the stairs, and Severus, still weak, struggled to keep up. On and on Malfoy went, until at last they came to a room. Severus shivered, although the place seemed empty, he kept feeling that something else was there, that invisible creatures walked around him all the time.

"Wait here," Malfoy intoned.

He left Severus in the corridor, and went in. Severus barely heard the converstion, before Malfoy was urging him in.

"Lord Voldemort will see you now."

He saw a man who was more than a man, a man who had absorbed so many dark powers he no longer looked human. 

He saw a power he desired, longed for. He saw a future where he was never again afraid, never more mocked or rejected.

He saw a time where he did whatever he liked.

__

"All – all will be yours. All riches, all power; fame and servants, subjects and admirers. All will be yours."

Severus kneeled, and bowed his head. This was where he belonged, this was who he served. "Master…"

*

He missed his afternoon lessons – Professor Bulwark had not been particularly impressed, but Professor Flitwick waived any punishment, and left him alone. In his dormitory, reading a book, Severus felt he was looking at Hogwarts with new eyes. It had been his home of sorts, both hospitable and discomfiting. Now it was just a shell, no longer home, but no longer with a hold on him either. He wondered if this was the fulfillment of the Riddikulus spell he had cast on his Boggart in the first week of term – this.

He felt strangely quiet during Potions the next day, preparing the Polyjuice with a kind of relaxed ease. His partner was Geoff, as usual, and they swapped hairs.

"Are you all right, Sev? You're not saying much."

"Never been better," Severus said, with an odd smile.

It had been a fun lesson, in a way. It had been interesting wandering around in Geoff's body for an hour, although Geoff wanted to try out Severus's body on a broomstick, so they'd flown around for a bit. Severus wasn't so agile, but he could still fly much better than Geoff, who was enjoying the experience none the less. Lily and James had decided to use each other's hair, getting huge laughs when the new 'James' had giggled in a most unusual fashion and run to the boy's toilets, leaving 'Lily' sighing, to look at Sirius as Peter, Peter as Remus, and Remus as Sirius. Olivia, having swapped with another Ravenclaw girl, was a little unsettling looking like someone else, yet still giving that same enchanting look. Severus wasn't sure if it was just because he knew, but in his eyes, the other girl's body looked prettier on Olivia than it did on her.

But he didn't sweat when he saw her, nor did he get goosebumps. Not anymore – he'd get her in the end. He'd get everything he wanted.

*

He was in the toilets, looking at Geoff's body gradually turn back into his. Geoff wasn't bad looking, but Severus's face looked better with his own poker expression.

Peter came in. Without his customary smile, and a strange awkwardness, Severus looked again realised that it wasn't Peter after all. Peter not being good at Potions, his own potion had probably worn off by now, but that didn't mean that the one in his body wasn't still around.

"Hello Sirius."

His voice was falsely friendly, but all the nervousness had gone. Sirius was not in control anymore.

"Hello Severus."

It was true – Sirius's voice had the nervousness he had lost. Severus was going to enjoy this.

"Look, Severus, I…"

"What?" Feigning innocence, his Geoffrey/Severus expression unnerved Sirius/Peter even more. Sirius looked to the mirror, and examined it with false meticulousness. "I've been an arse. A total arse for the past week."

"I noticed." Not hard – not condemning. Light, neutral, perfectly calculated to extend this apology to its full extent.

"I can't believe… The other night I wasn't thinking straight. I was still angry at what you'd said."

"Well…" Severus leaned back onto a sink, supporting himself into a relaxed pose. "I suppose that's to be expected. It's not like you'd provoked me, is it?" No hostility, just pure irony. It tasted sweet.

"I'm really sorry Severus – really sorry."

__

How amusing… Sirius is apologising. "That's good. I really should get back to Ravenclaw now. See you at dinner."

__

Oh, the perfection of it. Sirius wouldn't know what to make of it. He could have taken another outburst, but he wouldn't understand this. He would just have to get used to the fact that he was no longer either a friend or an enemy in Severus's life. He was _nothing._

***

A/N - Thanks to Rugi and Gwena for your review (yes, the _only _review I got last chapter… hint hint :-) ). Go and read Tough Guide to Harry Potter (click on Rugi and Gwena in the review, or on my favourite stories… I order you :-)

A/N2 - That chapter was not particularly nice to write. Enjoyable, yes, but in a nasty sort of way…

A/N3 - I've worked it out, and there are about five chapters left. Maybe six, but probably just five.

A/N4 - I owe David Eddings, the Tamuli, for the problems of getting somewhere by Apparition. Well, partly, I made up a lot of that stuff too :-)

A/N5 - Lily, having taken James's body, was going to find out what every girl I know would do if they had a male body… 

A/N6 - Ahriman is 'The Evil Principle or Being of the ancient Persians; the Prince of Darkness as opposer to Ormuzd, the King of Light. ' according to Dictionary.com


	9. Empty Soul, Broken Heart

****

Hogwarts Friends, Hogwarts Enemies

Chapter 9 – Empty Soul, Broken Heart

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"Now o'er the one halfworld / Nature seems dead, and wicked dreams abuse / The curtain'd sleep" - Macbeth

Severus spent his summer holidays reading and researching, becoming a recluse in his own house, a hermit in his bedroom. Selina was apt to make the occasional ironic remark about how little of him she was seeing, but she was far too involved in visiting her friends to really mind what he was doing.

"Someone might think you're up to something," she teased, and their mother gently scolded her for being cheeky, sure that her son was preparing especially hard for his N.E.W.T.s.

N.E.W.T.s were in fact the last thing on Severus's mind. Of course, he wanted to pass, but only out of some sense of personal pride. He was more concerned in excelling as the Dark Lord's servant – he had been to several meetings this summer, and undertaken missions in gathering information, and he had done so alongside Slytherins who were his own age – Avery, Nott, McNair, Rosier. They were resentful and fiercely jealous of him, feeling he had somehow usurped their birthright as Slytherins. He didn't care – actually, he found it amusing. The Slytherins were over-confident, incompetent toadies, who thought that their Master would accept them for how they were, simply by virtue of being Slytherin. But the Dark Lord was not Albus Dumbledore.

'Gathering information' involved methods that were sly, methods that were secretive, and methods that were sadistic, and Severus became adept at all three. Veritaserum at the time was highly faulty, some people being naturally immune to the ingredients, and the potion having varying effects on people. It became Severus's obsession to develop the perfect truth potion, for such a potion could help his Lord trample over the weak-willed people currently ruling, and if that happened, Severus would be surely placed at his side. That was how it should be – that was where he belonged. He was willing to do anything he needed to in order to get there.

When the school term started again, he and Selina arrived at Platform 9 ¾ in an unusual silence. At the beginning of the school year, he and his sister would usually have a lot to talk about – new teachers, new Quidditch players. What they would like to do with their friends when they arrived. The start of term feast. But for some reason, that conversation wasn't happening. They waited in an awkward, empty silence, until, with relief, Selina ran to meet her friends, all that talk pouring out at last.

Severus could not help but feel a minor pang as he watched his sister go. However, that didn't matter. He went to sit down, walking down the train to find an empty compartment, and he nearly bumped into Remus as he came out of the compartment that was already occupied by James and Peter. Sirius was not yet in sight.

"Oh… hello, Severus."

Severus fixed him with a cold gaze. "Hello," he said, shortly.

"Look, er…" Remus sighed. "Would you like to come sit with us?"

For a moment, Severus almost said yes. He almost welcomed the chance to make amends, sit with his old friends as if nothing had happened the last term.

He looked at Remus. He was gentle, inoffensive, and earnest. His robes were scruffy, sewn many times after being torn, his hands scarred as if they'd been scratched. Remus smiled, and Severus could see his teeth, the ones that grew – he could see where the frustrated werewolf had scratched himself in blind fury, ripped his clothes in anger at being halted in his bloodlust. The image was such a vivid one, he backed off from Remus in horror. Remus revolted him – a horrible, filthy, brutish _animal _who didn't know friend from foe.

"No," Severus said, abruptly. "I'm sure you'll want to save the space for Sirius." He turned, and realised he was shaking. He was so thoroughly sickened by that beast.

__

A wolf in sheep's clothing, he mused to himself, finally finding Geoff and some of the other Ravenclaws, and finding that he settled in nicely to pretending nothing was wrong.

*

The term started with its usual flair, and the new seventh years found themselves thrilled by the thought that they were the oldest in the school, yet somewhat regaled with teachers reminding them that the N.E.W.T.s were at the end of the year. Severus reflected that everything felt new. New privileges, new dormitories – and new allegiances. Random Slytherins seemed to nod at him in the corridors and in the lessons they shared. And those old friendships were dropping behind him. He was friends with Geoff and Richard for appearance's sake, but simply ignored the Gryffindors, and Mandy too. Why had he put up with her for so long? She was annoying and uninteresting. For some reason, being around her made him uncomfortable. There was nothing to be gained from her friendship – he'd have been better off being friends with James again.

James was Head Boy, and Lily Head Girl. Ridiculous, Severus thought, a total fix. Olivia, for example, was much more suited to the post of Head Girl than Lily. The teachers evidently thought that the fact that they'd been a couple for so long was sweet, and so sentimentally decided to pair them up. He'd heard James joking that the other Prefects were their 'children'. _Let me vomit_…

Olivia was as stunning as ever. Severus reflected that he could probably brew a love potion, but that would be crude, unoriginal and short lasting. What else, then?

His teachers would lavish praise on him for his excellent work – he had improved more than ever over the summer, unlike the rest who could barely remember anything after the summer holiday had numbed their minds. There was always that problem of Apparating out, but he successfully managed to convince the teachers that he would be off doing something his superior intelligence would benefit more from than their lessons. They kept a close watch on Slytherins, but he was never suspected. No one would suspect such a quiet and promising boy…

He would remember for all his life the first time he learned the Cruciatus curse. The intense concentration was one thing, and surreal detached way in which he watched his unfortunate target writhe and cry out with pain. He wasn't sure what he had expected to feel – triumph, maybe, or awe. Or even terror. But he felt none of those things, just a cold emptiness inside, and the deeply held knowledge that there was no going back now – he had done the unforgivable.

As the school year drew on, Severus's sleep became more fitful. Orion no longer liked to act like a hot water bottle, cantankerous cat – he'd taken to prowling around outside and bringing in small animals. "Blood thirsty creature," Severus cursed him. He tossed and turned, and sometimes lay awake, wondering why, after all that had happened, he was not completely content. Morality was a myth, he knew, it was every man for himself. And Severus had never killed anyone, he reminded himself – he'd spied, deceived and tortured, but never killed.

__

What does it matter if you do? He reminded himself. _There is only power and those too weak to seek it. _Why did he still feel the need to conform to other people's standards?

*

Severus played Quidditch with a new aggression. He surprised refereeing teachers by committing a rather brutal foul during the match against Slytherin, and although he checked himself when he played against Hufflepuff, their Seeker Gerald Tockley actually seemed intimidated by him. Gryffindor played them last – they had done much better than last year, Ravenclaw would need to win by 200 points in order to win the cup.

Sirius wasn't playing Seeker this year – a third year called Rachel Drill had taken that position. She was certainly talented, as he'd seen from her playing during the other games Gryffindor had played, but he knew he could easily outdo her. She was tall for her age, and stocky, eyeing him with the usual Gryffindor bravado.

After the first twenty minutes, Gryffindor were ahead. Severus cursed them under his breath. Ravenclaw would need to be up by fifty points before he could catch the Snitch and win. Olivia had relinquished the post of Keeper to another Ravenclaw, who was plainly incompetent. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Why didn't he _look_? And the Chasers were flying around furiously and uselessly, like a bunch of flies hitting their heads against the glass. Tara Prince, a second year Hufflepuff, was commentating.

"It looks like it'll be an easy win for the Gryffindors, as they're already ahead by thirty points. Keeper O'Halloran is really on form today, as he intercepts a shot from McNally. He passes to Potter… SCORE! Was Keeper Yealland even looking? Gryffindor are forty points ahead."

Rachel Drill was swooping around, alert, and Severus felt a strong desire to send a Bludger after her, suddenly wishing for the first time ever that he was a Beater.

"Keys takes the Quaffle, passes to… Drill's charging through the air, has she seen the Snitch?"

Frantic, Severus searched the air. Could he block her? Richard dived dangerously in front of her, providing a distraction, and Severus made his decision. He wasn't sure that Ravenclaw would ever be ahead by enough points, but he was damned if he would let Drill get the Snitch. Ploughing forward, Severus saw the glittering gold ball darting rapidly through the air, and with the distractions from the Ravenclaw Chasers, he was almost there, ahead of the Gryffindor Seeker. Now all he had to do was reach out…

Drill broke through the blocking Chasers, leapt up _off her broomstick_…

In one terrible, glorious, awful moment, she flew forward and her hand firmly clasped around the Snitch.

With awed horror, Severus watched the triumphant girl tumble back down, grasp her broomstick with her spare hand, and gently land, amidst the roars of the Gryffindors. Severus retreated to the changing rooms, tore off his Quidditch robes, and vowed that he'd never ride a broomstick again.

*

There was to be a Graduation Ball on the day of the N.E.W.T.s results, and that brought to mind the ever-present problem of Olivia. Why hadn't he already done something about her?

During a mission with Malfoy (oh, how he hated him!) the blond man had noticed his preoccupation.

"Snape, pay attention. I can't claim all the credit for your work if you don't do any." He gave a nasty grin. "What's up with you? Some Ravenclaw slut?"

"She's not a slut," he snapped back. _Damn._

"Tried the Imperious Curse?"

Severus glared at him with disgust. What a repulsive thing to suggest!

"That's revolting."

"Too scared, are you?"

"I only want to dance with her."

"My, how innocent you are. _Only _want to _dance _with her?" They glared at each other. Malfoy said it like a dare.

"Ever tried a _Concedo _spell?"

Severus looked it up. Concedo was a confounding curse, one that Lord Voldemort himself had used on certain ministry officials. Subtler than a love potion, the recipient yielded themselves entirely to the will of the caster. It was not harsh, and he reasoned that he was not going to use it to harm Olivia, just to have that dance that should be rightfully his…

Properly focusing his mind, he found her in the common room when no one else was around. He whispered the spell whilst standing behind her, and she turned. "Did you say something?"

Had it worked?

He willed her to get up, and she arose, a glazed expression on her eyes. Carefully, he reached out and put his hand on her, drawing her into his arms. She responded in kind. _Don't get carried away._ _She'll remember all this…_

"Will you come to the Ball with me?"

"Yes, I will."

Done. He let her go, amazed by the warmth of her arms. He'd been too forward about the embrace – he knew he should save it for the Ball. He willed her not to tell anyone…

The day of the N.E.W.Ts results arrived at last. Severus's were all As apart from Tranfiguration, which he abhorred anyway. In Defence Against the Dark Arts and Potions he had gained distinctions, but he'd lost his interest in Defence. Potions, however, he was pleased about. After graduation, he was going to study potion making, research and finally perfect the Veritaserum – his obsession. And he was going to finish the year dancing with Olivia Kimmel – perfection.

She looked beautiful, more beautiful than ever, he thought. He took her by the arm and they walked to the Great Hall together. Geoff and Richard both had partners – James and Lily were, naturally, together. Sirius was with some sixth year, Remus and Mandy were together – even Peter, not the most popular Gryffindor, was there with a girl.

__

But I'm with the most beautiful one of all, Severus thought. As the music played, his eyes danced over her. She captivated him. He could not get enough of the sight of her, she was so exquisite.

She was graceful, seemingly more graceful the more he appreciated her grace, she was warm and close and all he wanted. He forgot about everything else, but how much he wanted her.

During the last song, he finally drew her into a kiss, her silken lips touching his and filling him with pure elation. She was all his, and he could have her forever. Silently he led her out, knowing deep down what was next, what he would do. He was going to have all of her, every inch of her body. They walked back to Ravenclaw, and in the common room, he suddenly, frantically pulled her into another kiss. As he did so, he caught sight of her eyes, those amazing silver eyes, and suddenly shook and jerked back.

"What?" she asked, hazily.

They were bleak and dulled, lifeless eyes. Their beauty was all there, but somehow the sparkle had vanished… What was wrong? Suddenly nauseated, Severus sat down on an armchair, and Olivia did too, lethargic.

In barely a whisper, Severus said the counter-spell, grimly expecting her to suddenly rise up and slap him on the face. It didn't happen – she merely yawned and looked over to him.

"Thanks for a lovely evening, Severus. I ought to get to bed – early start tomorrow."

She got up and left, wrenching Severus's heart in two as she left. He would never have her now, but he couldn't bring himself to cast the spell again. In his mind, he begged her to turn back, to kiss him again – but she simply walked on.

***

A/N – Thanks to everyone who reviewed.

Zoo – I'm glad you like the darkness of this story! This chapter was pretty evil, wasn't it? :-)

Moria Polonius – Yeah, there is a bit of Bulwark/Snape parallelling… I know he's a bit too nice *blush* but I hope you like the way his character's developing…

J-Kid – S'funny you should say you thought Sev would be a good guy, because I thought he would be too. Trouble is, humanity gets in the way. I don't think Sev is a good guy or a bad guy… he's just him :-)

Odd World – wow, you reviewed every chapter! Thank you! LOL at your Darth Vader review…

Ariana Deralte – wow, you also reviewed every chapter! I've never read Terry Goodkind. I confess… Orion is a Moggie-Sue! As for the Inbox… erk, I'm halfway through a chapter but I've neglected this poor story for too long and all these evil little plot bunnies keep popping up! I've got too many ideas…

ConfirmTheOriginOfFire – you can breathe now :-) Ooh, I read your story 'Rebus Knight' (http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=883004) and it's excellent. I'm saying this here in case you read this before I review you.

A/N 2 – This was one twisted chapter. I enjoyed writing it :-) I nearly ended up writing a Bible verse in a context which gave it a total opposite meaning, but realised that was probably too sick (despite the point it was making).

A/N 3 – I very rarely write stuff like 'She was incredibly beautiful and he could get lost in her eyes' and that kind of thing, so this chapter was a rarity…

A/N 4 – I'm so sorry this took so long! In that time I wrote 'The Tale of CinderHarry', 'Spot the Difference', 'The Sorting Hat Speaks', 'Rainy Day', the full version of 'Perfect Situation' (maybe you could go read that? :-) ) and updated 'Albus Dumbledore's Inbox'. Damned Plot Bunnies…

A/N 5 – Handy Latin Dictionary - http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/cgi-bin/resolveform?lang=Latin

A/N 6 – You know, I really wish I could have watched the Quidditch match in this chapter.


	10. Walking in Darkness

****

Chapter 10 – Walking in Darkness

The Dark Arts were intoxicating, the ultimate power-rush. When Severus gathered with the other Death Eaters, he felt in control at last, and yet consumed by what seemed to be the greatest force. He knew he could never satiate his hunger for more of these Dark Powers.

At the Potions Research Division, where he was working since he had left Hogwarts, Severus was using – and enjoying – the art of manipulation. He found he didn't even need curses to wile his way into so-called friendships – to break through into people's weak spots. He did not fear people anymore – he despised them. And so, with the instinctive knowledge that he could cause them more pain than they had ever suffered, he managed to portray himself as likeable. People were so naïve…

Hubert McKenzie, a former Hufflepuff a couple of years older than him, was often his lab partner, sharing a passion for Veritaserum without a clue of what Severus was planning to use it for. He was an affable sort of man although shy, and somewhat in awe of Severus's quick grasp of the subtle science. Severus luxuriated in his new found smugness, finding numerous opportunities to patronise McKenzie and yet somehow twist the sarcasm back so that the nervous man never doubted that they were friends. In any case, McKenzie seemed to value a quiet life above all else, and convince himself that Severus meant it all in fun until he cast the Cruciatus curse and spilled rash potion all over him. What a fool…

As for everyone else, he could put on a very charming act. It was, after all, the act he had put on for Geoff and Richard in the past few months. What good had friendships ever done him? They'd brought him pain and fear and misery… Better to pretend. He didn't need real friendships anymore. He was his own best friend, and that's the way he felt it should be.

*

Severus's expertise in potions surpassed that even of Death Eaters older than himself, and Lord Voldemort was pleased with his position, from which he could access even the rarest ingredients. Using Polyjuice, Voldemort had spies even within the Ministry of Magic (although that was not to say that some of the genuine employees of the Ministry of Magic were not also servants of Voldemort), and Severus was an invaluable source of bicorn horn and boomslang skin – not to mention the potion itself.

Severus had to reflect, he did find some enjoyment in potions that felt somewhat apart from his main aim to serve his lord and to immerse himself in the Dark Arts. It was not the intoxicating seduction of Dark Magic, but a kind of emotionless contentment; calm, peaceful, and nothing that would shake his soul in the way that following Voldemort did.

In the mornings at eleven, all the researchers sat in the conference room drinking coffee, reading the newspapers (both Wizard and Muggle) and exchanging idle conversation. If it had been a slow few days, the idle conversation tended to be on latest wizarding events, their own personal lives, and Quidditch ("I abhor Quidditch," Samuel Tellingford had announced one day, much to the disgust of some of his colleagues. Severus had granted him a thin-lipped smile and coolly assured him it was overrated). If, however, one or more of them had made a major breakthrough, it would have been foolish to even think of talking of anything other than potions. The previous week, Brenda Valence, who was a biochemist as well as a potions expert, had come across an astounding possibility for a cancer prevention potion for the magical community.

"Why not the Muggle community?" Tellingford had questioned sardonically. Almost everyone flinched. To be seen to be against Muggles in this day and age was just as bad as being pro-Muggles. Signs of the time showed that being against Muggles would probably have you jailed as a Death Eater, but being openly pro meant that the Death Eaters might do worse to you. Muggles were, in other words, a touchy subject.

Valence was unperturbed.

"It works using the natural magic in the person's cells. Muggles at best have little magic – it simply wouldn't work for them."

"How _does_ it work?" McKenzie put in. "Does it stop cells from dividing?"

Valence smiled. "No, it doesn't. It actually keeps the DNA from mutating."

"Wouldn't that cease evolution?" A typical sarcastic remark from a man called Pendleton. The rest of them laughed, and Valence looked amused.

"I think _you're_ proof that we really did evolve from apes," she said slyly, but in fun.

"So how does it harness the natural magic of the cell?" Severus was curious despite himself. Twenty minutes later, they'd abandoned their individual projects and were listening rapt as Valence excitedly told them what she had deduced.

*

Samuel Tellingford was McKenzie and Severus's supervisor, and Severus got the distinct impression that Tellingford didn't like him. He was the only one who appeared not to – the rest of his colleagues viewed him in general as a witty, intelligent young man sharing a similar passion, and therefore a friend. Tellingford, however, appeared to view him with suspicion. He'd never said so much in words – he had always been polite and helpful – however, he viewed Severus's work with a distinct lack of enthusiasm, and never mind that Severus was far closer to cracking Veritaserum than McKenzie would ever be. 

Tellingford really was a champion of Muggles, and didn't care who knew it. His first choice from the newspaper rack was the_ Times_ and he would only scan the_ Daily Prophet_, murmuring comments about the press being sensationalists who would rather Voldemort continued to attack because of their rapidly fattening wallets.

At eleven o'clock one morning, Tellingford had procured a copy of _The Underground_, a subversive newspaper maintained mainly by Muggleborns. He was not overly popular with the others, but even so, they seemed to be sitting further away from him than usual this morning. Valence and a few others were reading the _Daily Prophet_, Pendleton was snickering over something in the _Sun _("Muggles are so ridiculous!"), and Severus was reading a slim volume entitled _Magic in the Genes _by Rosalind Franklin, preferring to stay out of newspaper politics today.

"Exactly right!" Tellingford suddenly pronounced.

"What?" Valence asked vaguely, still behind her newspaper. They knew to let the man vent whatever was on his mind, it was less painful just to get it over with.

"This article," he elaborated. "It is a thorough and logical analysis of the Ministry's complete lack of action in defending both the Muggle and Muggleborn. And it's written by a Ministry employee. A _pureblood_ Ministry employee."

"Good for him," Pendleton murmured, but not particularly sincerely.

"Who was it?" McKenzie asked, sipping his coffee.

"Arthur Weasley."

A man called Roberts started to laugh. "Him? He's a total eccentric. Gets paid a pittance by the Ministry, and his job's a joke."

"He should be promoted," Tellingford said seriously. He glanced to Severus, making him feel uncomfortable.

*

The next day, Tellingford was pontificating about the murder of a shop keeper in Diagon Alley, a man called Simon Figg.

"He's well into his sixties, and never done anything to offend anyone. And yet the _Daily Prophet _insists that it was just an angry customer."

Valence calmly put down her newspaper.

"Then how do you suggest he died?" she challenged, coolly.

"It was obviously Death Eater related – all the clues point to _Avada Kedavra_."

"You would think Mad-Eye Moody was a Death Eater if he went out wearing black," Valence said scornfully, moving to return to her own newspaper.

"You don't know who Figg's wife is, do you?" Tellingford said sharply. Valence shrugged uninterestedly.

"I do," McKenzie said softly.

"She's _outspoken _against the Dark Arts. But, of course, she's in hiding at the moment. You didn't know that, did you Valence?"

"How did you?"

"I happen to read the right things, not just what the Ministry wants us to read."

"Poor Aunt Arabella," McKenzie mused quietly, and Tellingford turned to him, suddenly interested.

"You're related?"

"My mother's aunt," he explained. "I don't think Simon was killed by an angry customer either."

Tellingford nodded sympathetically, his tirade now slightly dampened. He moved back to his paper, somewhat subdued. "All I can say is, I hope that some good will eventually come of this."

*

Severus and McKenzie spent the rest of the day musing over their latest test results. They had been struggling to overcome some of the immunity problems, substituting ingredients for certain alternatives. It was difficult work, as the only way they currently had of testing the finished product was using it an antidote for Fallaciaserum, the deception potion. This had notable problems, for instance the Veritaserum might cure the deception potion, but could have no effect on lying out of freewill – the other problem was the effect of the deception potion could cause unknown effects when mixed with the Veritaserum. It was difficult work.

Severus knew that Arabella Figg was one of Voldemort's targets. He hadn't known about the murder of her husband, but it sounded like one of Malfoy's accomplishments. He wondered if McKenzie knew where the witch was hidden. How ironic that the Veritaserum, which was currently far from adequate, would be a perfect solution if only it was accurate.

"Sorry to hear about your aunt, McKenzie," he said, silkily, sounding (he noticed) not quite sincere. McKenzie apparently didn't catch the tone in his voice. He sighed. "It's awful. She's going mad, Aurors guarding her night and day."

"Have you been able to visit her?"

"Not since Uncle Simon was killed. Seems like most of the Aurors in the country are at Dragon Point at the moment."

Bingo. Severus smiled to himself – the Dark Lord would be very pleased indeed.

*

"We know that Figg is hiding in a tiny Yorkshire village, colourfully named Dragon Point." Lord Voldemort was stalking among his servants – around forty of them, robed and masked. "The Ministry of Magic believe she's well hidden, that their Aurors will keep her safe no matter what. What a _blow _to them if this security should fail. What a _privilege _to be the one that deals this blow."

He turned to the youngest Death Eaters, most of them eighteen or younger. "Snape – Rosier – Wilkes. You are the privileged. Kill Arabella Figg."

*

Rosier and Wilkes – both Slytherins his age. They were both obviously fiercely jealous and fiercely suspicious of Severus, who couldn't care less, except that their clumsiness was going to ruin the whole thing.

There was a subtle battle on who would eventually kill Figg. They weren't quite discussing it, but as they talked about what they were going to do, Severus noted that each of their plans involved the planner killing Figg. When the other two raised objections about a plan, their adjustments inevitably led to killing Figg themselves. None of them had ever killed before, and each felt they had something to prove.

Severus thought they all looked like ninja assassins – he'd seen them in articles on Muggle dueling. Instead of cumbersome robes, they were wearing black suits for ease of movement, and black masks. It was late, and they were hidden in the thicket outside a small farm on the edge of Dragon Point. Despite the outlandish name, it appeared to be an entirely Muggle village, but Wilkes, who had an acute sensitivity to magic, noted that the farmhouse had various Muggle-repellent charms and Apparition barriers around it. There was a dark robed figure by the door, smoking a pipe languidly, but other than that they could see no one around.

Behind the building, through an upper window, Rosier spied a candle. "That's got to be her," he whispered. "We can climb up and cast a sniper spell through the window."

"Don't be ridiculous," Severus whispered back. "You'll be completely exposed, any Aurors about could catch sight of you."

"In case you haven't noticed, there _aren't_ any Aurors about," Rosier said. "And it's pitch dark out here. If you're so scared, stay on the ground."

"Yes, Snape, stay on the ground and keep watch," Wilkes sneered. "The Dark Lord will be so proud of you."

He wanted to rise to the bait – to snap at them, to climb up there himself. But he knew he was right, and this was dangerous business. If they did kill her, he would still be in Voldemort's favour for finding her, wouldn't he? Or would he? The place was too empty – there had to be more Aurors around. Reluctantly, he hissed, "Go on then, get yourselves killed."

They carefully cast mild adhesion charms to their clothes – gloves and boots. Snape, from the bushes below, watched them scale the wall. They almost reached the window before he heard a voice behind them.

"There are three wands on you. Cease all movement."

A furtive glance back told him that these words were not directed at him, but at his two fellow Death Eaters. The voice was clear, deep, and dangerous, and the speaker was one of three shadowy figures behind him.

"You are behaving in a highly suspicious manner. Either state your motives, your name and the one you serve, or we will use the Killing Curse on you. Nothing less."

Severus became aware of his pulse frantically pounding. Aurors couldn't use the Killing Curse, could they?

Wilkes and Rosier were silent. Calling their bluff. Maybe they wouldn't aim properly at this distance anyway. It was so dark. But then what? He would surely be found. They'd all be caught and sent to Azkaban…

"You have exactly five seconds. If you do not speak before those seconds are up, we will employ the Killing Curse. Five."

Did he have any escape route? They'd see if he moved. What was he hoping for?

"Four."

Severus chewed his lip, drawing the bitter taste of blood.

"Three."

Why didn't they crack? Confess they were servants of Voldemort and get taken away?

"Two."

He'd never felt so afraid in his life. There was sweat all over his body. He wouldn't have been surprised if he was sweating blood.

"One."

__

Please… He didn't know what he was pleading for, or to whom he was pleading. He'd be happy for the ground to swallow him up.

"_Avada Kedavra._" Three voices said it simultaneously. Would he be killed too? He screwed up his eyes in anticipation. The next he knew, something thumped the ground. The bodies of Rosier and Wilkes. They were dead.

The three Aurors approached to inspect them, and Severus crawled away through the vegetation, hoping beyond hope that he wouldn't be detected.

There was a harsh ripping sound, and Severus looked back to see that they had torn the sleeves on the suits, and had seen the Dark Mark.

"Death Eaters. Just as I thought."

"So they've found us."

"Get everyone out on patrol. We need to know if there are any others about."

Severus retreated into the woods, struggling to think of something. He couldn't think of anything. But he couldn't run away now. Not with Rosier and Wilkes dead. There would be a Dark Mark overhead tonight if he had to die to do it.

A wave of nausea passed through him, and he vomited onto the ground. They were _dead_. It was incomprehensible. How could they be?

He watched five Aurors exit the farmhouse, and begin combing the area. And yet, there was still only one left at the door – the one with the pipe.

He waited until the others had gone, and began to think again. The Auror would be protected from every kind of curse. Or was that just a rumour? He was struck by an idea – a relaxing charm. It wasn't a sleeping charm, which could only be invoked at the subject's will. But the Auror might have been awake for several hours, and the charm might have the required effect.

The Auror swayed a little, and then slumped. Asleep. Perfect.

Cautiously, he approached the door, staying low. Inside, he spied another two Aurors, one by another door, the other by a staircase. He tried the same trick. The one by the stairs slumped – but the one by the door merely yawned and looked around, warily. He flicked his wand and sent a vibration through to the door, making it sound for all the world like there was someone in there. The Auror opened the door suspiciously, and looked inside, and Severus seized the opportunity to creep stealthily up the stairs out of his sight.

Now to find the woman. Doors he opened showed merely unmade beds, abandoned by the awakened Aurors. The last door on the landing, however, didn't open, not even to _Alohomora_. It needed a password.

What would he do? Break through the wall? Sometimes magical defences only blocked magic, there might be some sheer, brute force way he could get through. But not without awakening the Auror, and bringing attention to himself.

What might the password be? "Simon," he said softly.

The door clicked open.

How foolishly sentimental she had been – and here she was, an old woman sitting by candlelight. He wasn't sure what he had expected, but not this. Some ageing battle-axe, another scarred Auror – but not this vulnerable figure who looked half-broken by the world already.

She looked up and saw him, an inexpressible sadness filling her eyes. "I expect you've come for me," she said, resigned. "Let no one say I didn't fight the good fight."

Severus held out his wand. There was no fancy wand movement with the Killing Curse, all he had to do was hold it towards her. He found he was trembling. "_Avada Kedavra._"

Nothing happened – and yet everything happened. She was looking confused, and as though she was beginning to understand. "Only killers can cast the Killing Curse," she said, gently.

Then _he _understood. He understood why he had not killed the Aurors guarding her. There was no defence against _Avada Kedavra_. But he hadn't cast it – because he couldn't. And he knew that he would never be able to.

He noticed the fireplace, the embers burning low. There was Floo powder on the mantelpiece.

"Can you take Floo out of here?" Severus asked her. She nodded. 

"That fireplace goes out but it can't be used to get in."

Severus's voice was shaking, but somehow he managed to force the words out. "Go somewhere. Make people think you're dead. You'll be safe."

She nodded again, silently and gravely. "I – I need your wand. Lord V-Voldemort won't believe that I killed you unless I have it."

She took out the wand – silver birch – and placed it into his hands. "Thank you," she said softly.

He did not respond. She prodded the fire, placing more coal on it in order to create sufficient flames.

She tied a scarf around her head, nodded to him, threw in the powder and stepped, gingerly, into the flames.

"Home," she said quietly, and vanished. Severus took hold of a wooden chair and set alight to it. With any luck, the farmhouse would burn down and they really would believe she had been killed. He leaned out of the window, and cast the Dark Mark into the sky.

What had he done? He couldn't say. He did not quite understand what had happened, except that he now knew he couldn't kill…

Throwing in some Floo powder of his own, Severus jumped into the fireplace. "Hogsmeade."

***

A/N - Thank you, kind reviewers! :-)

ConfirmTheOriginOfFire - yay, I'm glad you liked it!

Odd World - I don't think of him as much of a dancer either, but it was a special occasion :-) I'm scared of you, you can make Darth Vader cry!

zoo - hehe, no probs, and I'm glad you feel for him.

A/N 2 - Did you guess that I like science? OK, so most of this was mere babble, however, but I did try and make some sense out of it. Rosalind Franklin (the author of the book Severus was reading) was the name of one of the researchers on D.N.A. She did vital X-ray crystallography work on the structure - however it was Watson and Crick that managed to deduce the structure, and they were the ones who published. Watson, Crick, and Franklin's colleague Wilkins all won a Nobel pize for their work, however Franklin didn't because she had died a few years previously. There's a great film about it called _Life Story_, which I think is called _The Race for the Double Helix _in America.

A/N 3 - I'm rather proud of this chapter :-) I only had a very vague idea of what it was going to be like before I wrote it, so it was rather fun making up a lot of things off the cuff, as it were.

A/N 4 - There is no fourth Author's note, be proud of me :-)


	11. Tearing the Mask

_Yes, I know it's been a long time, and I also know that if I was writing to demand, I would have updated ADI.  I should do that, people keep giving me good suggestions :-)  However, I've recently gone to university and updating these stories is a bit difficult.  Either I have to write them in the computer room, or in my room then upload them onto floppy, go to the computer room, upload them there…  you get the idea.  University is fun, but a little frustrating at times.  I've not had much time to write, either._

I've finally admitted the truth to myself – this is angst.  Actually I'm beginning to depress myself, someone hand me the prozac ;-)  Still, I confess exploring darkness is enjoyable too, I mean who wants to think about happy things all the time? :-)

_Anyway, I'll shut up now and let you read Chapter 11._

Chapter 11 – Tearing the Mask 

_You can't lie to the Dark Lord._

"My Lord, she is dead."

_He'll find out, he'll see through you._

Their eyes met, the glare that held his own until his eyes stung, and yet he could not look away.

_You're playing a dangerous game._

"And where are Rosier and Wilkes?"

_He knows.  He knows your every move._

"My Lord, the Aurors killed them.  Only I managed to escape…"

_No way out.  You deserve what you get._

"Is that so?  _Crucio."_

_This is what you did to others.  This is what is done to you._

Pain was the only reality.  Agony was all he knew.  Everything in him was screaming out, every nerve exploding from the sheer, diabolical torture.

When at last the curse ended, Severus found himself prostrate on the ground, blood on his scratched hands, dirt on his face, and longing for death.  He'd screamed his lungs out, or so it appeared.  He strained his head to look up at Voldemort standing over him - those terrible eyes.  It hurt just to look at them.

"Other than that," he said lightly, "Well done."

Somehow exhausted beyond belief, Severus dropped his head back onto the earth, and wished the world out of existence.  Voldemort kicked mud into his face.  Severus weakly spat dirt and blood out of his mouth, and passed out.

When he came to, he was cold and achy, shivering on a deserted moor.  The others had gone, several hours before, he supposed.  It appeared to be early morning – he was soaking with dew and feeling more wretched than he had ever done in his entire life.  He still clutched Arabella Figg's wand in one hand, which was now cramped and painful.  He didn't have the strength to Apparate.  He trudged across the thick grass, occasionally stumbling along the way.

Memories of the past few hours came gradually pouring back.  As he wondered where to go, he realised it didn't matter.  From this point onward, anywhere he went would take him to Azkaban.

Going mad, he considered, vaguely, suddenly seemed attractive.  Or amnesia, possibly.  Anything other than the madness of Azkaban, which would only serve to remind him of all the things he had done.  He had, his unhelpful conscience reminded him, inflicted upon people the same, soul-torturing pain of the Cruciatus curse.  He had let himself be ruled by the Dark Arts.  Affliated with murderers.  Become intoxicated by power.  And now he was certain he was the most wretched being in existence, a few steps away from the Dementor's Kiss.

He longed for oblivion.

After letting Figg go, he had instinctively gone to Hogsmeade.  He wasn't quite sure why that was.  It was just – somewhere safe.  But he'd had to return.  If he didn't return to Voldemort, who would he return to?

Dumbledore.

His stomach clenched as he remembered the terrible look of anger in Dumbledore's eyes when he was disciplining Sirius.  What he had done was ten times – a thousand times worse.  But Hogwarts was the only place he could go, and the only hope he had.  Dumbledore was powerful – and he was kind.  That was all he could hope for.

He wasn't quite sure how he eventually made it back to Hogsmeade without getting splinched.  At the gates, he rang the bell, and a tiny House Elf appeared.  Apparently, they could Apparate in the Hogwarts grounds.  It had large amber eyes, and appeared to be female.

"What is master wanting?"

"I – I want to see Professor Dumbledore."

"Saffy will tell him right away.  What is you being called?"

"I'm Severus Snape."

The House Elf disappeared again, and then reappeared.

"Saffy is to take you to him, master."

She opened the gate, and beckoned him to follow.  It felt surreal to be walking through Hogwarts like this, a student no longer.  The House Elf led him through past classrooms, past old paintings he remembered, even catching sight of the Gryffindor ghost as they walked, and Severus wanted to wish himself back into a classroom, playing chess with Geoff or even James, or talking to Mandy.

They would all hate him now.  He'd burned all his bridges with careful efficiency, hadn't he?  Now his only alternative was to drown.

The gargoyle that guarded Dumbledore's office usually needed a password, however all the House Elf needed to do was pat it with her knarled hand.  It moved aside.

"You is allowed to go up, master," she told him, and then vanished.

He walked to the door, and braced himself.  Then he opened it.

Dumbledore didn't see him at first.  He was talking to an old woman.  Arabella Figg.

Severus fought the urge to run away.  The frail, innocent old woman he had tried to kill only a few hours previously.  She couldn't recognise him – he had been masked.  But even so…

"Ah, Mr. Snape," Dumbledore said amiably.  "Sit down."

He knew, instantly, looking at the gentle man with his soft, welcoming smile, that he could never say the words 'I am a Death Eater.'  Wanting Dumbledore to know was one thing, but shaping that into his vocal cords was going to be impossible.

He removed the wand from his pocket.  It was almost white, smooth and swishy.  He turned to Arabella Figg.

"Mrs. Figg, this belongs to you."  It was all he could manage.  Her hand shook as she took the wand, and Dumbledore's mouth dropped open, in an uncharacteristic lack of composure.  The masks were down now – the façade was over.  He put his head in his hands and finally betrayed how utterly broken he was feeling.  The old woman gasped.  He heard Dumbledore say softly, "So it was you."

He couldn't look up, or even take his hands from his face.  His eyes were burning with tears he was too ashamed to show.  He heard Mrs. Figg get up.  "Albus, I should go now.  Thank you for your help."

Dumbledore, too, arose.  "You should be safe, Arabella.  I'll let your nieces and nephews know as soon as I can."

She left, leaving a hauntingly empty silence.  It was almost unbearable, but still Severus could not remove his hands.

"Would you like a few moments alone?" Dumbledore said asked him, his voice quiet.

Severus made an attempt at a nod, which the old wizard appeared to understand.  Severus felt his hand gently rubbing his shoulder, briefly.  Something dropped lightly to the table.  When Dumbledore had gone, he saw that it was a handkerchief.

When Dumbledore returned, he felt no better but was a little more composed.  The Headmaster was so grave – he would have given anything to see his warm smile, hear one of his light-hearted remarks.  But surely there could be none of that, never again, ever.  He'd be going to Azkaban.

Dumbledore looked at his former student, and saw a broken man, his eyes red-rimmed, and looking exhausted.  _What a waste of such a talent.  What a terrible thing Lord Voldemort has done…_

When he spoke, Dumbledore's voice was not hard, or angry.  Disappointed, possibly, but above all it seemed sad, regretful.

"Severus, thank you for coming to see me today.  I am proud that you could confess this to me."

"I've done…  the most terrible things," Severus said, hoarsely.  "I deserve to die."  It came out like a protest.  How dare Dumbledore treat him like a decent person?  What ridiculous notion was possessing him?

Dumbledore reached out, and touched his arm consolingly.  The human contact was somehow shocking – how could Dumbledore touch him without disgust?

"You're not dead yet, Severus.  There is still much more to go – much good you can do."

"I tried to kill her."

"But you didn't want to – and you didn't kill her."

Severus didn't respond.  He caught himself absently rubbing the Dark Mark on his arm.  Thoughtfully, he gingerly pulled up his sleeve, exposing the thing for all to see.  He held it out.

"There's no way to remove that."

Dumbledore understood what he meant.  He didn't flinch at the sight of it – even moving closer to examine it.

"You can still remove Voldemort's influence from your life, you understand?"

Severus nodded dumbly.  He drew back his arm, and began absently rubbing the Mark again.  It would be there forever.

"What good could I possibly do now?" He asked, plaintively.  He realised he was reaching out to Dumbledore for his salvation, for a reason not to drink poison or throw himself off the Astronomy tower.

"You realise Mrs. Figg would probably be dead if Voldemort had sent anyone other than you?"

"I couldn't cast the curse…"

"Because you didn't want to kill her.  Does Voldemort believe she is dead?"

"He does…"  Severus shuddered at the name.  Maybe he would become another one of those who couldn't stand to say it.

"You could save other lives in a similar way.  We have so little idea as to the plans of Voldemort.  You would risk much but…"

"I'll do it."  His tone was desperate, final.  Dumbledore gave a gentle, sad smile.  

The next few weeks felt harder than he could have possibly imagined.  He was only a semi-official member of the Union Against Voldemort, and whilst most of the members did not know exactly why he was there, he felt deep inside that the ones who did despised him.  All except Dumbledore – and Arabella Figg.  He didn't fit in anywhere, anymore.  With the Death Eaters, he was terrified Voldemort would discover that he was no longer serving him.  With the others, at the Research Division, he'd become short-tempered – it was probably the stress from everything else, he mused.  He couldn't be bothered to tease McKenzie anymore.  He'd just bite his head off.  It was vaguely satisfying seeing his lab mate cower at his anger.  At least _something was under his control._

He _hated Veritaserum.  It bore the guilty stain of aspirations he had once had.  Aspirations that damned McKenzie with his damned innocence knew nothing about.  Stupid.  Bloody.  Hufflepuff._

"What's worse?" Tellingford said one day, during their break.  "Cruciatus or Dementors?"

"Cruciatus," Pendleton said.  "Both lead to madness but Dementors are less painful."

"I think Dementors," Valence contributed.  "It's a worse sort of madness…"

"Snape?" Tellingford glanced to Severus, who had no desire to be included.

"Cruciatus," he mumbled, although he knew he was bound to be biased.  He had to wonder, however.  He would have gladly endured the Cruciatus curse many times if only to do away with the Mark…

It was only a matter of time before he once again came face to face with James Potter.  James had spent the last few months playing Quidditch for the Wimbourne Wasps, and it was rumoured that he would play Quidditch for England.  There was always some controversy over Quidditch these days; people were wondering whether in this national Wizarding crisis that perhaps Quidditch matches should be postponed.  However, it was generally agreed that Quidditch was a welcome release.  James Potter apparently didn't think so.  He was now training intensively to become an Auror.

He had spoken to the Union, but hadn't seen Severus, who was sitting in the back of the hall.  He told them that whilst he didn't judge his colleagues who were still playing Quidditch, he felt that his own personal talents were not best used in Quidditch.  He had felt drawn by conscience to the fight against Voldemort.  Everyone had clapped.

Severus surprised himself with how much he hated the man who was once his friend.  James's life overflowed with the chances Severus had never had, and now he was being applauded because he'd been lucky enough to have the choice of where he went and who he followed.  He hated him for being gifted with bravery, he hated him for being effortlessly conscientious, and he hated him most, paradoxically, for saving his life.  Severus would have been dead on the day he went to meet Voldemort, if it hadn't been for James.

Severus was going to leave, but he had to walk past James talking with Dumbledore.  "They think I'm so selfless," James was saying.  "But I have to do this – I'm compelled to…  It's like a curse, almost…"

He turned at the swishing of Severus's robes, and Severus froze, unable to walk past and yet unable to put on a façade that would cover how he felt.  He slowly turned, determined to meet James's eyes and feel for once that he didn't have to tag along after him, that he didn't owe him anything.

But it wasn't true.  Or was it?  James had only saved him to save the face of Sirius and Remus, his abhorrent best friends.  He didn't know why he'd ever cared about what James thought at all.

"Hello Severus," James said tentatively.  "How are you?"

The ordinariness of this greeting staggered him.  How could James be like this?  Deep down, he mused, James was self-absorbed, interested only in making sure he was universally admired and his own personal world stayed perfect.  But how could he not realise that the time had past, long ago, for idle pleasantries?

Severus did not answer, not even hatefully.  What was there to say?

"I'm – I'm glad to see you here," James said, amiably.  "I confess, I didn't think you were the type to actively work against Lord Voldemort."

Well raise the banner for you, Mr. Potter, you don't have to say You-Know-Who… 

"Until recently, I wasn't," Severus said tersely, all his emotion crammed into a cool monotone.  His voice sounded almost alien, its tone was so removed from his feelings.  Recklessly, he pulled up his left sleeve.  James nearly jumped back at the sight of the Mark, and he paled visibly, as he began to understand.

Not waiting for a response, Severus decided to leave the explanations to Dumbledore and strode off.  He heard James's voice behind him, calling him, but he walked on, wishing everything into blackness.

***

A/N – Thank you, kind reviewers.  (Incidentally, the thank you notes for ADI would probably be huge by now!  Eeek!)

Odd World! :D  Be nice to Darth, he's my Darthykins…

ConfirmTheOriginOfFire!  *grins*, anything I can do…  I'm glad you liked it

Arinya!  *blush* Very astute of you, I'm not sure I even intended that link, but on the other hand I like it, it goes with the irony I love so much :-)  

A/N2 – It's been so long since I did any fanfiction, I think I've forgotten all my author notes.  Ah yes.  To anyone reading my other stories, I have half a chapter of 'Confessions of an Attention Seeking Hufflepuff' written, and I really should write more.  Oh yes, and I actually started writing a new story which will be weird but fun…

A/N3 – I'm sure I said in an earlier chapter that there were only five chapters left, and I'd like to announce that there are still five chapters left!  In other words, ignore that estimate, I'll just write how much I feel like…

A/N4 – I'm off to do some work…


	12. The Final Storm

Chapter 12 – The Final Storm 

Two years had passed, and despite the efforts of those working against him, Voldemort's reign of terror was at its peak.  Even the Muggles had woken up and started to notice strange events by now - but of course, they put them down as isolated incidents.  On his occasional trips through the Muggle world, Severus felt embittered at their ignorance and complacency during this crisis.  The Union Against Voldemort was working as hard as it could, to protect that ignorance before the Dark Lord eventually enslaved or destroyed them.

Everything seemed rather futile.  It appeared that for every supporter who joined their side, Voldemort gained three more followers.

Finally, it was time.  The Dark Lord called them all, all Death Eaters gathered around in a climactic meeting.  Severus had been anticipating this – he had been warning Dumbledore, defences had been made – but were they enough?

They were attacking the Ministry.  Tonight.  Bits of the plan had been filtered through to him, but none knew the whole of it.  None except Voldemort.

The whole day had had a somewhat tense feeling to it.  As if he had known that today was the day.  He had been uncharacteristically clumsy, his fingers had taken to disobeying him.  The results of the tests had been ridiculously scattered, a sign of experimenter ineptitude.  He and McKenzie had worked silently, not even meaningless pleasantries passing between them.  The sky was grey, with the occasional roll of thunder emanating from its great dome, but only spatters of rain.  When the Dark Mark had finally stung, it felt like inevitability.

They were all there.  Solemnly in the circle, kissing Voldemort's robe and worshipping his rich, terrible power.  Severus felt more wretched than usual, faced with the realisation of his own sickness.  The kiss was wormwood.

The words Voldemort spoke were a deadly symphony of power – of darkness.  Evil.  The plan was for the first wave of of Death Eaters to break into the Ministry, destroying all they found.  And yet they were to be the distraction – more would disable the Apparition barriers, a second wave would Apparate inside, and break the wards on the Minister's office.  Voldemort himself would Apparate inside the office, kill the Minister, and finally declare his power over all those under the Ministry.  The true reign would begin.  The base of the empire would be formed.

Severus lined up with the first wave, mainly foolish Slytherins his age, hungry to satisfy their bloodlust.  Their faces obscured by masks, he could not see what they had become.  They were nothing but wraiths, blindly following their desire.  Those who had infiltrated the Ministry would let them in.  It began.

People were falling all about him, dead from the Avada Kedavra curse.  Severus broke through, casting minor curses that in this mayhem looked just like killing.  In some ways it felt like it too, the act was a little too real and it was wearing.  He passed through and up, using passwords entrusted to him, he broke into the Minister's office.

Jairus Peacock started from his seat, horrified.  Angrily, Severus pulled the mask from his face.  He spoke in a firm, hard tone.  "You have to get out.  There are Death Eaters surrounding this building and all the Floo ways have been blocked.  In a few minutes time, the Apparition Wards will be broken and you will be able to escape."

The Minister nodded dumbly, shaking as he heard the sounds of the chaos below filtering through, albeit much quietened.  Severus slammed the door.

"When will I know?" Peacock asked him shakily.

"You won't," Severus said shortly.  He sat down on a chair, and waited.

Peacock looked unnerved at his behaviour, as if he had no concept of the absurdity of the situation.  He was silent.  They waited.

A particularly loud scream made its muffled way above.  Peacock jumped, his face now etched with fright.

"Now," Severus ordered.  He Disapparated.

Done.  So what now?  He put his mask back on.  Now to truly sabotage the mission.  Dumbledore had ensured that there were copies of all Ministry documents.  He set fire to the pile of papers on the desk.  Then all the books.  Exiting the office, he went to all the adjacent rooms and set every piece of useful information ablaze.  The second wave was approaching.  He ordered every scared official to Disapparate.  They did so.  He destroyed every paper, book, scroll, file and parchment in sight.

It was getting hot now, very hot.  Tongues of flame were making their hungry way around everything they could, making a fierce crackling noise.

Death Eaters approached, determinedly, but choking.  Severus watched them from an open door.  They had wands out.  They had not yet seen the fire.  He held his wand out, focusing on all his strength on the spell.

"_Expelliarmus_," he whispered.  Five wands flew towards him, he ducked out of sight and threw the wands into the flames.  There was an explosion – they were destroyed and the force had blown away part of the floor beneath them.  Five Death Eaters entered – alarmed, disarmed.  Cautiously, two of them approached the gaping hole – another quick spell and Severus had knocked them into it.  The other three looked around.

"What are you doing?" One fiercely demanded.  He did not have time to recognise the voice.  He ran.  Out and down, into the second wave.

Now was not the time for undercover work.  Severus knew that this was the final test for him – he could taste death in his mouth and he was going to go down fighting.  He was a man possessed, seizing the wands of all he could, dodging curses.

A curse caught him in the shoulder.  One in the foot.  He stumbled, and then shielding smoke suddenly surrounded him – he could not say how, it was as spontaneous as the sort of magic a child uses.  He did not remember uttering the spell, he had just done it.  He ran into another room, a conference hall.  It was empty.  Now with some kind of manic regularity, he continued to set things ablaze.  He would smoke them out like rats.  From a window, he could see some Death Eaters unashamedly running.  The Aurors were coming, down in the grounds they were duelling.  Severus passed through a back way, and once again re-entered the chaos.

"Get down to the entrance," someone ordered.  "The Aurors are there."

Good, he thought.  He grabbed another terrified clerk, and told him to Disapparate.  The clerk nodded frantically, but went nowhere.  Severus dropped him, frustrated, and the man fainted.  Absurd.  Had he just been too afraid to do it?  He tried himself to Disapparate – just to another part of the building, he wasn't leaving, not yet.  But he couldn't – the Wards were back up.  The end was near.

He set more things alight, seized wands and threw them in.  An entire wall collapsed, the ceiling above beginning to crumble.  The whole building was set to disintegrate.  The Aurors were coming now, coming through and stunning all Death Eaters in range.  He ran from them, not because he was afraid but because he felt it the ultimate insult to be killed by Aurors, after everything.  If he was going to die, it would have to be a Death Eater that did it – supremely appropriate, everything he deserved.  The main staircase had fallen to pieces, but as he passed through, he saw that several Death Eaters had found the back passage.  Of course, they had nothing to find.  They were running around in an empty shell now, with some alien serenity he watched them move up.  Perhaps they would be engulfed by flames.  Probably they would remember the correct spell, and they would return, informing the others that it was over.  Over.  Suddenly a wash of relief passed over him – he had done all he needed to.

"You!" someone called him from behind.  Another Death Eater.  He did not know who.  He did not care.

"What are you doing?"

"Absolutely nothing."

The Death Eater lunged before him, and tore the mask from his face.

"Snape!"

Severus pulled the mask from the other Death Eater, seeing Tarquin, a Death Eater of only seventeen.  He swallowed, horrified by the appearance of youth on the boy's face, the incongruous sight of acne.

He made a grab for Tarquin's wand, Tarquin made a grab for his, and they wrestled each other.  Behind, a flaming beam fell – the fire had come.  The boy was strong – he threw Severus to the floor, they were kicking and fighting like rabid dogs.  Tarquin's robe caught fire, he yelped and tried to cast an appropriate charm, but Severus caught hold of his wand again.  Tarquin kicked him, now insane, then made a swipe for Severus's wand with his left hand, and caught it.  "_Crucio_."

The shock and the pain caught Severus more by surprise than usual, but the curse was considerably weakened, it being his own wand, and Tarquin's weaker wand-arm.  He grabbed Tarquin by the ankle and threw him to the floor.  The curse broke.

"I won't kill you," he told him.  "If I don't have to.  You're young – young and stupid and it's about time you worked out that you're doing a very foolish thing."

"Why are you doing this?" Tarquin demanded.  He was furious and livid, gasping in the smoke.

"Because I serve Albus Dumbledore."  There – the admission was out.  Somehow it pleased him to say it.

"Traitor!"

 "It took you that long?  Your NEWTs score won't be very high."  The comment was absurd, but he didn't care.

Tarquin held his wand out.  "_Avada Kedavra_."  Too tired to worry any longer, Severus waited.  Nothing happened.  He allowed himself a mirthless smile.

"That happened to me when I was nineteen.  Disgusted by the good in you?  Consider it a chance to rethink."  But the boy was red with anger and frustration.  And then he did the most stupid thing a wizard could ever do.  He threw his wand at him.

Severus was taken aback by the sheer indiocy of the gesture.  The wand didn't even hit him – it fell onto the floor, into the flames – and ironically did just what Tarquin's animal instincts had intended.

The resulting explosion caused the floor beneath him to crumble, and unable to grip a handhold, he fell.

And then he knew no more.

***

A/N – Sorry it took so long, I knew roughly what was happening this chapter and yet I was rather doubting my ability to put it into words!  Please review. 

_A/N2 – Thank you to my reviewers._

_Odd World – Yeah, I like angst, it just took me a while to admit this to myself :-)  I'm glad you liked the House Elves_

_BrindleBullfrog – Thanks!  I'm glad you appreciate my knowledge of the books._

Ariana Deralte – Thanks for reviewing those chapters :D  Actually yeah, Sevvie can be a bit histrionic *winks* :-)

_N Snape – your wish is my command!_

_Manx – thanks, I'm really flattered!_

_Queen Momoko - *grins* aw, he was adorable wasn't he? *smile*_

_A/N3 – I had the urge to call this chapter 'Charge of the Dark Brigade'._

_A/N4 – Hope you didn't mind the inclusion of some bizarre wandless magic, I thinkSeverus could have thought of the spell for smoke if he'd had enough presence of mind but I thought that instead his instincts would have kicked in._

_A/N5 – I wrote an ickle Snape fic (in an AU to this fic) called 'Touched', you might like it._

_A/N6 – You know, I'm kinda depressed about FictionPress.net, I generally get most of my original fiction readers through my fanfiction and now all my original fics are stashed away on another site :-(  It means I don't think to read the originals of other writers, too._


	13. Another Picture in Another Daily Prophet

_A/N – this chapter is dedicated to Odd World, who is the only person who reviewed Chapter 12. Well done you and thank you for your nice comments._

**Chapter 13 – Another picture in another _Daily Prophet_**

Severus awoke.  He stretched his limbs and felt that something was not quite the same.

Gradually sitting up, he managed to look around.  He was in hospital – looked like St. Mungo's.  Why was he here?  He searched his mind for his last few memories.  He didn't remember going to hospital.

The Ministry – the fire.  Tarquin.  He groaned, and wondered why he was still alive.

A nurse saw that he was awake, and came over.  She had a cheery expression that indicated she had no idea who he was.

"And good afternoon to you, Mr. Snape," she said.  "So good to see you awake."

"How long have I been here?"

"About a month now."

"A _month_?  What happened?"

"One of the Aurors brought you in…"  _Oh no, don't let it be James Potter._  "A Mr. Bancroft I think.  After all that happened at the Ministry, I hear you're lucky to be alive.  Did a Death Eater attack you?"

"You might want to put it like that," Severus said dryly.  His head was swimming.  What exactly _had happened?_

She reached into a cupboard next to his bed and handed him a copy of _The Daily Prophet_.

DEATH EATERS BURN MINISTRY TO THE GROUND 

Last night, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and his followers committed their worst act yet – the destruction of the Ministry of Magic.  Almost one hundred Death Eaters descended upon the Ministry, killed Ministry workers and burning vital documents.  Fortunately, the Minister had had the foresight to keep copies of these documents elsewhere.

Jairus Peacock himself escaped – wisely the Minister Apparated as soon as the Death Eaters had destroyed the Apparition wards.  Due to the fine work of Aurors, many others also escaped, the youngest being Robert Tarquin, a Hogwarts student and the son of a Ministry official.  It is thought that he had attempted to save his father's life.  Peter Tarquin did indeed survive, but tragically, possibly too disturbed by what he had seen, young Robert today committed suicide.  The talented Gryffindor will be sadly missed…

"Tarquin was a Gryffindor?" Severus murmured, not knowing what to take in first.

The nurse laughed.  "What did you think he was – a Slytherin?"

Severus didn't reply.  So – Tarquin was dead.  Why had he killed himself?  There could be so many reasons.  For a moment, he actually felt sad for the boy.  Then he cautioned himself not to be sentimental.  He was still a spy.  His identity was protected.  Yet he felt so uneasy reading those words – another Death Eater who was not a Slytherin, who had felt wretched enough to kill himself.  Perhaps it had just been because he plainly wasn't as great a Death Eater as he thought he was.  Perhaps not.

He reread the beginning of the article.  The first line invoked his scorn – certainly the carnage was more outright, but then, they had done much crueller things.  They had used the Cruciatus curse on children.  He had seen young Muggle women raped just for the 'thrill'.  Death Eaters had destroyed Greentrees Primary School.  At least at the Ministry workers had died quickly.

He looked up.  The nurse was still smiling.  He became irritated.

"What's so amusing?  Have so many people died that it's become a joke?"

"Mr. Snape, the war is over."  She pulled a second newspaper from the cupboard, and placed it in front of him triumphantly.  He read the headline, agape.

THE BOY WHO LIVED DEFEATS THE DARK LORD 

Below it was a picture – the ruins of a house.  The caption read _The Potters' house in Godric's Hollow, after the destruction.  There was no Dark Mark.  _No _Dark Mark!  __What in the name of Merlin happened?  And what does it have to do with the Potters?  He read the article._

THE BOY WHO LIVED DEFEATS DARK LORD 

**Young Harry Potter is the Infant Saviour of the Wizarding World**

**Dark spells lifted, dark enchantments destroyed, Confundus curses broken and Death Eaters fled.   Magical authorities believe that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is gone forever.  And all because of a year-old baby called Harry Potter.**

Last night, at the tiny village of Godric's Hollow, an event both tragic and miraculous occurred.  James Potter, a recently qualified Auror, and his beautiful wife Lily were hidden by a Fidelius charm, after spies reported that the young Auror was to be the Dark Lord's next victim.  They must have been betrayed in order for the Dark Lord to find them - but find them he did, killing both James and Lily with Avada Kedavra.

However, on casting his wand upon their small son Harry, the deadly curse was deflected, leaving only a distinctive lightning-bolt scar on his forehead.  Experts are baffled at the power that such a child must possess in order to resist a curse that, when executed correctly, is completely unstoppable.  It seems that not only did the curse deflect from Harry, but was actually reflected and returned upon the caster, which a surge of energy so great that the small house was blown to ruins and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named apparently destroyed.

This morning, as Albus Dumbledore prepares to find a home for the tragically orphaned Harry Potter, the Wizarding World awoke to find that several Ministry officials that had been behaving strangely and irrationally had recovered from Confundus curses, and many witches and wizards missing presumed dead found their way home, dazed but alive.  Said Ministry Spokeswitch Miranda Hopkirk, "It is as if we have all woken from a bad dream."

Jairus Peacock, Minister of Magic, also stated, "The Wizarding World owes a great debt to young Harry Potter.   For the first time in so many years, we are safe from the Dark Lord."

He went on to warn us, "However some of his followers may still be at large!  Please don't be careless, and don't act suspiciously in front of Muggles!"

Celebration parties are expected across the nation – and indeed, across the world.  All because of Harry Potter – the boy who lived.  There are calls to name this day 'Harry Potter Day' in his honour.

"James Potter is dead?"

"As is You-know-who."

"You don't understand – James Potter _cannot die.  James Potter wouldn't die until he has great great grandchildren.  James Potter does not know the __meaning of death."_

"Mr. Snape?"

He couldn't understand his own outburst.  It didn't make any sense.  The Dark Lord was gone.  His spying was over.  But James Potter was _dead.  He had thought James Potter would live to torment him for the rest of his life with his own brand of _perfection_.  Lovely house, lovely wife, lovely baby son.  He hadn't known that Potter had a baby son.  But it fitted.  How could he be dead?_

"Were you at school with James Potter?"

He nodded curtly, staring mesmerised at the picture of the house.  How could he have been killed by a mere _Avada Kedavra_?  Of course, it made sense that it was _his son who had at last won out against Voldemort.  If Severus hadn't known better he would have thought James had planned it that way._

The nurse was staring at him, a sentimental sympathy on her face.  "I'm so sorry.  I didn't realise you were friends.  Would you like to see someone?  A chaplain?"

"No.  Of course not.  Now _leave me alone."_

Intimidated, she hurried away, struggling to maintain some air of professionality.  He picked up the paper again.  James Potter was dead.  Lily was dead.  Lord Voldemort was gone.  He was no longer a spy.  He was no longer _anything.  Now that it was over, he would probably be sent to Azkaban, or at the very least dismissed from Potions Research and left to do menial tasks for a pittance.  He was nothing._

Then he caught sight of something else on the article.  A name he recognised a little too well.  Sirius Black.

**Secret Keeper Missing**

James and Lily were being kept hidden by a Fidelius charm – a charm that makes their location known only to the Secret Keeper – unless of course, the Secret Keeper tells another.  We learn from Albus Dumbledore, Hogwarts headmaster, that Sirius Black, allegedly James's best friend thoughout their years at Hogwarts, was the Potters' Secret Keeper.  It is tragic to think that someone James Potter considered utterly loyal could turn out to be his betrayer.  Ministry officials are on the lookout for the fugitive Black, last seen in the vicinity of Godric's Hollow.

This was too much.  Sirius Black was a sociopath of course, but to have caused James's death?  He could barely comprehend why the Wizarding world was celebrating.  He threw down the paper in frustration.

The month comatose had weakened his muscles considerably.  He had to wait until a doctor administered the appropriate potion to have the strength to walk around.  Lost and uncertain of where he would go and what he would do, Severus spent long hours consumed in his own thoughts, wandering the grounds.  He was still too weak to leave, and yet far too awake for his own liking, stuck in a strange bleak limbo.  The Dark Mark on his arm had faded – but not disappeared.  But what did it matter?  He would always be marked visibly or not.  Too much had happened for it to vanish.

Two days after he awoke, he had a visitor.  Albus Dumbledore.

Dumbledore shook his hand warmly – those sparkly periwinkle eyes were a relief to behold.

"I am so glad that you are awake and almost recovered Severus," he said, his voice full of sincerity.  "We owe you an awful lot for what you did at the Ministry."

Severus wanted to believe him, but his voice was tempered with a tone of despair.  "What I did at the Ministry was nothing to what I have done, Professor."

"Severus, will you ever forgive yourself?"  Dumbledore's voice was pleading.  Severus shook his head.  "How can I forgive myself?  No one else would."

"I forgive you, Severus."

"You're Albus Dumbledore."

"Indeed I am.  You have been told that Lord Voldemort is destroyed?"

"Yes – and that Sirius Black truly is a killer."

Incomprehensible sadness covered Dumbledore's face.  "From what I read, I could conclude no other way.  And yet I can hardly believe it.  But to you, Severus.  How are you feeling?"

Severus would never understand why Dumbledore cared.  But he did.  He sighed.  "Still weak.  Professor – what is to become of me?"

"You'll have to stand trial," Dumbledore said softly.  "I will, of course, vouch for you.  I have little doubt that you will be allowed to go free – after all, if it hadn't been for you, the Minister would be dead by now."

"And after that?"

"Ah – now we come to the main reason for my visit.  Presently Hogwarts has no Potions teacher – Professor Samovar left a few months ago, we have a supply teacher but he will only stay until Christmas.  Your work on potions is outstanding – and I remember that you tended to tutor some of your friends on their Potions homework.  Would you consider becoming my Potions teacher?"

Severus sighed.  So many memories were mixed up in Hogwarts.  But he had done too much to refuse the offer.  Dumbledore made it sound as if Severus would be helping _him – but much more than that, he was helping Severus.  He was giving him somewhere to go._

"I would certainly – if you are certain that you would have me."

"I am."

"Thank you."

*

The trial had been fearsome.  Severus's voice had stammered through his testimony, confessing how he had tortured, explaining how he had not killed Arabella Figg, and how he had become a spy.  He was, perhaps, more afraid than he had ever been; more afraid than the time in the Whomping Willow, the time at the house in Dragon Point or the first time he had met Voldemort.  He was afraid of getting everything he knew he deserved.

A line of Aurors were there to declare judgement on him.  Scarred Alastor Moody was one of them, glaring at him sharply with his skeptical Auror eyes.  After giving his statement, Arabella Figg and Albus Dumbledore had spoken in his favour.  Afterwards he learned that he was not to suffer the same fate as Barty Crouch's son, or the Lestranges.  He was relieved, but felt that he had somehow cheated.  Whatever happened, though, he was free.  Free.  Would he ever be free from himself?

If he had cheated, he was not the only one to have done so.  The news kept coming in the papers.  _Lucius Malfoy – acquitted.  Was under a Confundus curse, Aurors say.  Malfoy makes huge donation to charity – even the most hard-hearted witch or wizard would be convinced by his sincerity.  Andrew Avery – acquitted.  Also under Confundus curse.  Says Hogwarts' Slytherin house's reputation is 'unfounded and unfair'.  Maintains that Hogwart's ambitious house has no links with the Dark Lord.  Crabbe, Goyle, Nott, McNair – acquitted.  Ivan Karkaroff – sentenced to two years in Azkaban after proving he has revoked loyalty to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named._

It seemed like the only one who had received his deserved sentence was Sirius Black.

*

Severus did not go to see his family for Christmas that year.  It had been a long time since he had done so.  He did return to the research centre, entrusting McKenzie with his complete set of notes and removing everything that was his.  No warm goodbyes – even if the others didn't know, they had guessed at what he was.  Most of the others simply ignored him – McKenzie made a few cordial remarks but avoided him.

In the conference room, he stopped to look over the papers.  A few Muggle ones had been strewn across the table, mainly the more ridiculous ones read for amusement value.  _Daily Prophets were tidied neatly away, no longer carrying news of much interest.  Samuel Tellingford was sat on a chair in the corner reading the _Times_.  Severus meant to leave without Tellingford noticing, but he looked up._

"I hear you're leaving, Snape.  Good luck with the new job."

Tellingford had _always _frustrated him, never being logical or consistent.  Whilst the rest were displaying suitable fear or disgust at him, Tellingford was offering a friendly remark.  Unless, of course, it was sarcastic.  You could never tell.

When Severus didn't respond, he put down his paper.  "I read about the trial," he explained.  "I wrote to Jairus Peacock."

"So you know?" Severus said, his voice strained.

"Yes – the burning of Ministry documents seemed an exceptionally stupid gesture for the Death Eaters considering the amount of useful information they could have attained.  I suspected there was more to it – and of course there was.  I was intrigued to hear just why you were absent for so long, and why you hurried away so early the last time you were here."

Severus didn't say anything.  What was there to say?

"Can I make a suggestion?"  Tellingford asked.  "Don't be too hard on yourself."

Severus cast him a surly glare, but still did not respond.  Now the man was being overly trite.

"Oh, don't mistake my meaning, Snape.  You've got a long way to go yet."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Can I be honest with you?"  Severus nodded.  "I think you're a self-absorbed unfeeling bully who rarely thinks of anyone but himself."

Severus was not surprised by the assessment.  "And?" he said, his voice cold.  "Do go on."

Tellingford looked somewhat perturbed by his unaffected answer.  He frowned, continuing with a somehow gentle yet frustrated tone in his voice.  "You're a terribly weak person who considers himself terribly strong – surprised by the existence of a conscience and frightened by emotions.  You would never do anything that was not for your personal gain – you're calculating, cold, and startlingly insincere.  It is a great irony that you saved Arabella Figg's life by simply not killing her.  You are, indeed, adept at Potion making.  You're insecure.  You have a sense of morality that needs to intimidate you before you do anything about it."

Somewhat taken aback, Severus looked him long and hard in the eye.  He was beggared for a response, for the man was right.  Damn him.  At last he spoke.  "So, in light of this, I shouldn't be to hard on myself?"  His voice oozed sarcasm.  He wished the man would shut up before he did any more damage.

Tellingford shook his head, looking sad suddenly.  "You turned back.  You saved lives.  And two of the most important people on our side pleaded for your case.  I don't know what goes on in that head of yours…"  Severus snorted.  He'd done a good enough impression of knowing.  "But people seem to think there's hope for you, so I'd suggest you don't waste it."  He got up.  "Goodday.  And I hope the new job turns out well."  He left.

Severus watched him leave.  The man was a puzzle indeed.  So Tellingford thought that he could redeem himself?  It somehow seemed as if Severus's last chance for redemption had ended too soon, with him comatose.

It remained to be seen what sort of teacher he would be like.  He picked up his remaining belongings and left for the last time.

***

A/N – I actually can't think of anything to say, I'm really just writing this author's note out of habit… 

_A/N2 – Thanks Odd World :)_


	14. New Beginnings

**Chapter 14 – New Beginnings**

Hogwarts was curiously eerie without students teeming through its corridors.  It held a ghostly quality that was more than simply the ghosts inhabiting it, the timeless feeling that all those who walked these corridors were in some way still here, the feeling that the building itself thought unfathomable thoughts to itself, something a mere transitory human could never understand.

Severus was quite content to settle into the dungeons – Professor Flitwick, pleased at seeing one of his most talented pupils return, had expressed certain disdain when he learned that Severus's quarters were to be located in a place with such grim significance, but he found that he did not mind, or even care.  His room was comfortable enough, with a good fire and plenty of space for his books.  Since this room had not been used for imprisonment or torture for a very long time, the décor was in fact rather pleasing, a sort of pseudo-medieval style.

There had been times in the past few months when he had felt terribly old, as if the years had come prematurely upon him, bearing down after all the crimes he had committed.  Right now, however, he realised that despite the unnatural ageing he had felt, he was still very young indeed.  Twenty-one years had passed since his birth.  His last birthday may have passed with almost total lack of ceremony – his mother and sister had sent him cards, and that was the extent of it – but he was still twenty-one, one of the youngest Potions Masters in the country.  He found himself fighting a foolish nervousness, something he thought had vanished a long time ago.  Perhaps it was Hogwarts that did this to him.  Well, no matter.  Today was the day he ate with the rest of the staff for the first time.  He would see it to it that they did not look down on his lack of experience, that they treated him as a colleague, not an overgrown student.

He arose, and walked slowly to the Great Hall.  The rest of the teaching staff were already there, even the mysterious Trelawney he had never met, although he had been told by his classmates she was a phony.  Professor Dumbledore sat at the head – Professor McGonagall on one side, and Professor Flitwick on the other.  A man he didn't recognise was next to McGonagall, and also present were Professors Sprout, Kettleburn, Littlewood the Ancient Runes professor, Akehurst the Muggle Studies professor, Professor Vector and Madam Hooch.  He recognised the woman who must have been either the Astronomy or Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher as Yolande Sinistra, who had been a Slytherin a couple of years ahead of him.  Binns was absent, but that was hardly surprising.

Dumbledore arose.

"Severus, welcome.  May I introduce Francis Quirrell, our new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher?"

Quirrell, the man he had not recognised, arose and shook his hand.  Severus disliked him instantly.  He had the eyes of a fool, a weak-minded fool.  The man was about his age, but could not have attended Hogwarts.  Perhaps he had attended Durmstrang.

"Have you met Yolande?"

"I believe so."  Sinistra arose, extended her hand.  Now this woman he could at least have some respect for – he had never seen her among Death Eater ranks, yet she still bore the pose of a true Slytherin, with cool, confident eyes and a not-quite-trusting expression.  Good, she had sense.

Severus took a spare seat, and then noticed for the first time that the Sorting Hat lay on the table.  He looked to Dumbledore.

"Now that we are all here – with the exception of Reginald, but that is scarcely surprising – it is time to finally choose the new Head of Slytherin."  Severus took a quick glance at the rest of them – Sinistra was wearing a particularly confident expression.  "As you know, Professor Bulwark took this position for two years after Professor Cecilius left, but as he left this December, it is time to choose a successor.  As tradition – and necessity – dictates, this will be conducted via the Sorting Hat.  Francis, please take the hat."

Quirrell place the hat upon his head.  There was silence.  Then Quirrell placed the hat on the table, and Kettleburn took it.  More silence, Kettleburn looking pensive and then worried.  He placed it down, and Littlewood took it.  Her lined face creased into an interested expression, then a frown, then she put it down.  Severus took it.  He had been under the impression that only Slytherins would be included in this ceremony, but no one objected when he put it on his head.

"Ah, Mr. Snape or should I say Professor?  Such a lot has happened since I last saw this head, for such a young man."

_Get on with it._

"You've become a lot more surly I see.  What will it be, Severus?  Is it time to end the masquerade?"

_What masquerade?_ He thought furiously.  _The masquerade finished a long time ago._

"Then why do you still consider yourself a Ravenclaw when you know perfectly well that you are not?"

_You yourself placed me in Ravenclaw._

"You wanted me to."

Wanting to stay friends with someone is scarcely a Slytherin trait, don't you think?

"You were always too afraid to be yourself.  _'Please don't put me in Slytherin, James will never be friends with me then…' _"__

The Sorting Hat's tone sounded frighteningly like his eleven year old self.

_I never thought that._

"I think it's always beneficial to be aware of your own thoughts, don't you?  It appears I know you better than you know yourself.  Surely events of late have showed you where you really belong?"

_In Azkaban, you mean?_

"In Slytherin.  Will you accept it?"

It was silent for a moment.  Severus sighed inwardly, and decided to accept the inevitable.

_If you must know, yes.  I have always known that part of me was Slytherin.  Is that enough for you?_

"It will have to do, for now.  Pass me on."

Severus took the hat off his head, and Sinistra took it.  Her expression was bemused.  She passed it on – Professor Akehurst and Professor Vector both tried on the hat.  Madam Hooch took it, looked intent and then shrugged, and put it down.  Professor Trelawney took it last, frowned it annoyance, and placed it down almost straight away.  Professor Dumbledore took it.

"Who will it be?"

Severus noticed that Sinistra had lost the confidence she had had earlier, and was actually looking rather angry.

Then the Sorting Hat said what he already knew.  "Your new Head of Slytherin House will be Severus Snape."

Flitwick had looked upset.  Sinistra's anger had risen enough that she was barely holding onto her composure, Quirrell shrugged, McGonagall stared at him in surprise and a few of the others just looked relieved that it was not them.  Dumbledore glanced at him, looking him in the eye for a moment and even smiling slightly, as if Severus had just confirmed something he had known all along.  Then Dumbledore had clapped his hands, and dinner had appeared.

So he was a Slytherin, was he?  He'd never had Ravenclaw pride – he wondered if this was why.  He had tried to maintain some throughout Quidditch games – but it was always more a sense of personal accomplishment, rather than House Pride, that had driven him to success.  Well, so be it, he told himself.  If he was a Slytherin, he was going to be a damned good one.

His first class were third years.  Gryffindors and Slytherins.  Severus idly wondered for what bizarre reason Dumbledore had decided to pair those two particular houses up in a potentially dangerous class.  Hufflepuff and Slytherin had been a much better choice, in his opinion.  They were much less likely to have explosive arguments.

They filed in in dribs and drabs, plainly not caring particularly whether they were in on time.  Severus sat at his seat, watching them silently, allowing his first day nerves to transform into a controlled sort of rage.  He waited for them all to sit down.

"Looks surly, doesn't he?" he heard one Gryffindor mutter.

"He looks so young – how old is he, do you think?"

Severus got up.  His voice, when he spoke, was soft, but curiously, in this dungeon, it seemed to penetrate the entire room.

"I was under the impression that this lesson began at nine o'clock.  Was I mistaken?"

The class was silent, somewhat taken aback by this curious statement.

He picked a boy with conspicuously red hair.  Gryffindor, of course.

"You.  What is your name?"

"Charlie Weasley, Professor."

He looked at the boy again.  Arthur Weasley's son.  Arthur Weasley – ah yes, his job was a joke, attacked the Ministry of Magic for their lack of action concerning Muggles and Muggleborns, probably placed morals before promotions.  For no good reason, Severus instantly disliked him.

"Mr. Weasley, would you be so good as to tell us what time this lesson started?"

"Nine o'clock, Professor."

"Correct.  One point to Gryffindor."  Several people gasped.  This was unusually charitable for a Slytherin Head of House.

"So, in light of this, would you care to explain why some of you…"  He paused, and pointed to certain members of the class.  Gryffindors, all of them.  Arrogance was always rife in their ranks.  "You – you – you and you – came in at least a full five minutes after nine?"

There was silence.  One foolish student spoke up.  "Professor, I…"

"Silence.  Five points from Gryffindor."  The Slytherins sighed audibly with relief.  "I will not tolerate such indolence in my classes.  You four will all report to Mr. Filch for detention tonight.  I trust you can arrive at nine o'clock sharp to his office."

"Detention?  But that's not fair!"

Severus rounded on Weasley Junior.  "Another word out of you, Mr. Weasley, and you will be joining them.  I suggest you learn that life itself is not fair."

Weasley became quiet, but his face was a furious red.  The rest of the class were now apprehensively silent, wondering what he would do next.  They were looking at him as if he were a bomb about to go off.

"I do not know what your former Potions professors thought of such a show of disrespect.  I, for one, will not stand for it.  In future, you will all arrive at on time or suffer the consequences.  I dread to think what your potions skills will be like, considering your manners, but we shall see."

The lesson dragged on.  Severus found the Gryffindors to be irritating and self-absorbed, far too convinced with what they 'deserved'.  He didn't like the Slytherins – _his_ house – but although he did not care for them, he found he could not despise them.  Some of them would undoubtedly end up like Malfoy, but there were a few with potential.

These foolish children had such a lot to learn, sitting there arrogantly and thinking they knew everything.  If they weren't careful, they would grow up as _he _had.  Someone would have to knock them into shape.

By the end of the week, he knew he had a reputation.  The first year Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw class all showed up on time for their first lesson, some of them looking out of breath, and appeared apprehensive.  Good.  So they heard he favoured Slytherins – why shouldn't he?  They appeared to be the only students who had any concept of what the real world was like.  The ones who weren't foolish showed some promise for something other than fawning at the feet of the powerful.  As for the rest – well, he thought, they had better get used to the idea that not everyone would humour them, not everyone would be fair, and hardly anyone in the real world would give them a second chance.  There are very few people like Albus Dumbledore.

He found the man himself waiting in his office after the last lesson of the day, looking mildly concerned.

"Professor Dumbledore," Severus said cordially.

Dumbledore smiled.  "That's Albus, Severus – as your colleague.  Unless, of course, you would prefer to call me Professor Dumbledore."

_Yes, I would_, Severus thought, cursing his own innate feeling of inferiority.  He knew it was ridiculous.  Somewhere inside him, he had a childish instinct that desperately wanted to cling to someone else's wisdom and never have to accept responsibility ever again.

"Albus then," he said, helplessly.  "What can I do for you?"

"I came to discuss your first week's lessons."

"I see."

Dumbledore sighed.  "How do you feel, about being Head of Slytherin?"

"I am perfectly fine with it," Severus said – almost snapped, even though he quailed at the thought of snapping at Albus Dumbledore.

"Are you sure?"

Dumbledore's eyes, as usual, looked as though they were reading his mind.  Severus struggled to give his answer, even though he had no other to give.

"I am quite sure."

"From all reports, your first lessons have been – interesting."

Suddenly defensive, Severus looked up.  "I have proceeded as I see fit."

The Headmaster gave a sad smile.  "I confess, Severus, I have never seen any Hogwarts student so eagerly take to their Potions homework.  I am doubtful as to the necessity of your rather stringent methods, but I will leave you to do as you think is most appropriate.  We will, of course, have periodical discussions in staff meetings.  If you feel you need any advice, please feel free to talk with me.  You know my password."

Severus nodded.  But he didn't feel he could trust himself anymore.  He did not deserve the sort of treatment Dumbledore was willing to give him…  The Headmaster left, and in the silence that descended in his absence, Severus wondered what was to become of him.

***

_A/N – Apologies to anyone called Francis.  I like the name, just it was the only one I could think of that might mildly suit Quirrell…_

_A/N2 – Thank you to everyone who reviewed!_

**_Darcel_**_ – Is it AU?  I haven't a clue :)  How could he be Head of Slytherin not being a Slytherin?  Well…  by me using the Sorting Hat for twisted plot devices *cackles*.  Thanks for mentioning 'My Dad' by the way, I found it and loved it._

**_Sage and Snape_**_ – Thanks very much, I'm glad you like my transformation of Snape._

**_AbbaLoveU_**_ – It's actually quite pathetic how much I was pleased when I read your review.  Thank you so much! :D_

**_Gina Starr_**_ – Hello!  You really are a very loyal reviewer *hugs*.  Aaah, good ol' evil Snape.  One of my great aims in fanfiction is to write convincingly Snape in character, so thank you very much for the compliment :)  Yes, the irony is evil, I think my favourite bit of sick irony is 'Don't mind Sirius, his bark is worse than his bite'.  It's so ridiculous I might put it in ADI for the next round of dog puns._

_A/N3 – It's funny – what the Sorting Hat says about it paying to know your own thoughts is something along the lines of what I've always thought about Severus.  I can't imagine him being too aware of his own nature – it's very difficult to write him first person convincingly, although Bored Beyond Belief does a nice job in 'Never Alone, Never Again' and 'A Day in the Life of Severus Snape' (the author of which I forget) is also wonderful.  He always appears to me to be someone who stubbornly refuses to introspect, convinced that he won't like what he sees._

_A/N4 – Damn my moderateness!  I offend all the Slytherins by putting their favourite Potions Master in Ravenclaw, then I'm sure I'll offend all the Ravenclaws by putting their new favourite Potions Master back into Slytherin :)_

_A/N5 – I'm on the home straight!  Whoopee!  I should think that there are only a couple more chapters to go.  _

_A/N6 – For the record, this chapter was hard to write.  I had to reconcile 'my' Severus with canon Severus, and what a task!_

_A/N7 – Yes, Sinistra's first name – 'Yolande' – really is the same as her first name in Albus Dumbledore's Inbox.  Professor Akehurst is also the Muggle Studies teacher in Confessions of an Attention Seeking Hufflepuff.  And he's named after one of my teachers at school *big grin*._

_Please review!_


	15. Slytherin Redemption

_Big thanks to Gina Starr, who was the only person who reviewed last chapter. Have I scared the rest of you off with my weirdness? _ **Chapter 15 – Slytherin Redemption** Severus focused on the potion he was brewing, concentrating on it as hard as he could to at least momentarily banish the day's images from his mind. His head was still throbbing from the headache caused by the tension of the afternoon's meeting. Mundungus Fletcher was being his usual obnoxious self. Arthur Weasley, though still the foolish man with a childish affection for Muggles, Severus had at least built up some sort of respect for – but the twin sights of Remus Lupin and Sirius Black, close as brothers, sitting at ease in the staffroom, seemed to tear up any sort of moral high ground he had once thought he had. When Voldemort returned, Severus had indeed realised that Black was – well, not innocent, the idea was ludicrous – but not guilty of the multitude of crimes for which he had been sent to Azkaban. It had never really hit home until Black and Lupin were talking idly, friends who knew each other inside out, and the strength of Severus's denial had been shattered with nauseating efficiency. Sirius Black, he was forced to admit, was not a monster. Over the years, he had nursed the idea that he had not fallen so hard, he had not been as terrible as Black had. But it wasn't true. Peter Pettigrew was a pathetic wretch, true, but the extent of his fawning robbed him of any sense of humanity he might have had. Pettigrew was a coward. Any trace of that old Gryffindor courage had long since vanished.But Severus didn't want to think himself better than Peter Pettigrew – he wanted to think himself better than Black. Black, who had belittled him, and ostracised him – and _tried to kill him_. Never mind any belated apologies – he wanted to think that James would have been sorry to always take Sirius's side. He wished he could prove to _James_ that Sirius Black was a psychopathic killer. That Sirius Black had driven him over the edge. Yet Severus had to admit the fact that, even now, he had to return to kiss Voldemort's hem was not due to Sirius Black. The Sorting Hat had always known him for a Slytherin – and yes, he had always envied the power the Slytherins had. He was not taken over with the beast as Lupin was, not even mistakenly lashing out against a wrongdoing, as Black had when he had mistakenly took Severus for the betrayer – even if it had only been an issue of a personal pride. Severus knew with the greatest clarity that he had no excuses. * It was nearly the end of term. Hogwarts was more melancholy than it had ever been – the Dark Lord was back, the infant saviour of the wizarding world loped around as if he'd lost the will to live, and Severus was muddled between the quiet world of denial and the demanding yet satisfying world of purpose. He hated Harry Potter for taking his purpose away, for rendering him but a poor leftover from the war, a criminal to be accomodated. As a spy, he had purpose. But Harry Potter, damn him, was also partly the reason that he had that role again, that hated role, that fearful role. It wasn't fair to blame him, of course, but the boy's scarred forehead was a symbol of the resistance. And he hated it. He came into the staff room thinking to just read any important notices and then leave. His attention was caught by Lupin, now not accompanied by the accursed Black, conversing animatedly with a woman he didn't recognise. The woman's eyes seemed to be flickering over at him, periodically. "I don't know what I can do," she was saying. "I feel like a bit of a traitor for missing the worse parts of his last reign. Well, I say worst, but Greentrees was awful – horrifying. I can hardly think of anything more terrible. I ran away to Africa like it didn't affect me. It makes me feel awful. When I got your owl – I had to come. Dumbledore thanked me but I haven't a clue what I can do. This time, I can't just sit by. Who knows, maybe Africa won't even be safe if…" He knew that voice. He knew it… and the tone, it was so familiar… "I know," Lupin said. "I sometimes wonder what use Dumbledore has for a werewolf with a long history of unemployment… But even if we only have a little, we must all do our best." "Why is it called the Order of the Phoenix?" "Well, it's a code name. Many of our members have to work in secret – because of Fudge, you know. He would block anyone he suspected of being involved out of the Ministry. Sirius said he would rather believe that Harry is mentally disturbed. And the phoenix – well, it's a name we all associate with Dumbledore, and the phoenix is a rather appropriate animal. Its tears have healing powers – we hope that our sadness will turn to action – healing. It can carry heavy loads – fighting against Voldemort is a pretty big burden, don't you think? And it can rise again from the ashes. We may not be phoenixes, but we can dream." She smiled. Then her eyes flickered again to Severus. He stopped, and gave her the now perfected version of the death glare. She looked at him curiously. "You don't look well," she said at last. It was a strange greeting, although somewhat reminiscent of something. Lupin looked from her to Severus, appearing somewhat at a loss. "Mandy Farrell?" he finally said. She was apparently another one in the steady train of people who had arrived at Hogwarts to pledge their allegiance to the Order. "Severus Snape," she acknowledged, giving him perhaps the coldest look she had ever given him, and yet still, he could see a hint of – pity? Her eyes seemed softer than her expression. "So you're joining the Order," he said, for lack of anything else to say. "Good. I expect I may see you at meetings." His tone was brisk, abrupt, but he couldn't work out why this unwelcome reminder of his school years seemed to open an old wound, an mysterious sense of loss. He turned, and strode out. It was his usual abrupt exit, but something quickened his steps, some anxiety pushed him forward and away. * She turned up again later. He was restoring his Veritaserum supply – ah, what memories that brought back. McKenzie had vastly improved it, and yet he knew he had perfected it. It was his passion and his nemesis. She stood at the door, so shyly that for a moment he mistook her for a student, until she spoke his given name. He turned around. "What do you want?" He was being unnecessarily hostile. But he didn't want to talk to her. Not to display his entrails, to see her disdain as she saw what he had become. "I just wanted to… talk." "Why don't you talk with Lupin?" "I want to talk to you." "For Rowena's sake, why?" He flinched as he realised that, for some reason, he'd used an old Ravenclaw oath. The sight of her had brought back those memories. Her eyebrows quirked, and she half-smiled, amused by his slip-up. He continued. "I'm sure you've heard everything from Lupin." "I've heard what Remus thinks. But I – you were my friend. You always kept my secrets – you know the ones. I wanted to…" "Re-kindle our friendship? Have a few cosy chats? Play chess?" Severus spat. If she was going to leaving hating him, he wanted to get it over with. "I am not the same person, anymore. Perhaps I was never the person you thought I was. I am the least popular teacher in this school – except among Slytherins, naturally. I am a Death Eater who left out of fear. I doubt my remaining respect for the cat is really enough common ground to base a friendship." She was silent for a moment. For a second she looked broken, hurt – but then she straightened up, appearing resolute, and decided to peruse his book collection. She stopped when she found what she was apparently looking for and laughed out loud. "You bought it! Not exactly Newt Scamander, but you bought it!" She pulled out a slim volume with the title _Studies of African Magical Fauna by Amanda K. Farrell_. Severus found himself becoming enraged at this unfair advantage she had discovered. "I did not buy that for sentimental reasons. African magical creatures can be vital for certain potions ingredients…" "Do you know, I think that's even more of a compliment." What was wrong with the woman? Earlier she had attempted to match the death glare, now she was acting like she wanted to be best friends. "It is a good book," he said loftily. "But it would be a good book if someone else had written it." The same look of pity appeared, now covering her entire face. "What happened to you, Severus? I remember you being so gentle…" "I was not gentle, I was afraid." "You seem fairly afraid now." He spoke over her words. "According to the Sorting Hat, I would have been in Slytherin from the start were it not for my foolish fears. When the Dark Lord…" That was a sentence he hadn't meant to start. But he followed it through. "When – when I bowed to him for the first time, my fears went. Do you know what I did when I was no longer afraid? All sorts of terrible things. I am truly Slytherin – not the Ravenclaw you thought you knew…" "Not a Ravenclaw, for Rowena's sake," she interjected. Brutally, he continued. "Remember that curse the elder Mr. Malfoy placed on your mother? I used something similar to my own ends." She turned pale, and looked shaken. He'd gotten to her. She would leave soon, and take her train of unwanted memories with her. "Who was it?" "Olivia." The colour returned, she laughed bitterly, and he stared at her in surprise. "You complete dunderhead. Didn't you realise – didn't you…" "I didn't realise whatever sentimental statement you're going to come up with next," he said, but she waved her hand. "Olivia – oh Olivia, I was curious about the whole Graduation Ball thing and she was talking to her friend on the Hogwarts Express. Her friend said something like, 'So how was it, dancing with the glorious Severus, after waiting for him to make the first move? I'm astonished that he managed to ask before you started collecting your pension.' And then she had this funny, sad expression, and she said, 'You're going to think I'm silly but even though I wanted to dance with him so much, I felt so unsafe. Like everything was out of my control. He's strange – he's not who I thought he was…' " Mandy let her words sink in. The wound was truly fresh now. All that he'd wasted… To think that beautiful and talented girl might have been his had he not been so hungry for power, had he not leeched off the Dark Arts for so long. He could not stand to lose his composure now, but a solitary, rebel tear leaked from one eye. "Oh Sev," Mandy said, and for a surreal moment he thought, _What a silly sounding nickname, why did I ever let people call me that?_ Everything was shattering afresh. He had spent years hiding from the memories, allowing them to escape in cold words, in measured sarcasm, in anything that did not let these feelings return. "Why?" she asked. "Why did you do it?" She had weakened him. Had she planned this? The words spilled out. "I didn't want to be afraid anymore. I wanted to be – bloody, bold, and resolute. And when I first came before him, although I was frightened and repulsed by what I saw, I knew – I wanted it. All of it. Murdered children and tortured Muggleborns faded out of the picture, and all I could see was endless strength, endless power. Control. Life always seemed perilously out of control…" He was talking like a fool. It was as if the words had always been trapped inside, and at the merest breach were now pouring forth like a waterfall that never ends. He had never spoken all these words, to anyone. Now he spoke at length. The first time in front of the Dark Lord – the first Cruciatus curse. Arabella Figg. The burning of the Ministry. She listened, attentive, even thought she was sometimes horrified. She did not speak. "So now you see that I am Slytherin, and, indeed, have always been Slytherin. Sirius Black was apparently right about me. I do not have some once a month affliction which renders me a beast; I have no excuse." Mandy frowned, and then her lips actually curled into a smile. "You're not a Slytherin." "I beg your pardon, but I believe the evidence suggests otherwise." "You're a Ravenclaw playing a Slytherin in a school play. You're still hiding from yourself. You're angry and biased and surly, but what happened to Slytherin wiles and ambition? You sit in a dank little dungeon all day." He found he still had some residual anger protecting the remains of his dignity. "I do not believe you are in a position to judge…" "Is a Slytherin necessarily bad? Your cunning as a spy was surely Slytherin, and yet you saved lives… Ambition is not a bad thing in itself – it matters more the direction of your ambition…" Severus did not respond. Even though she now, to some extent, knew more about it than anyone else, he did not want to listen to her preach. She did not know how it felt. Mandy rose from her seat. "Severus – I'm sorry I came in here and started probing. I just wanted to understand." He nodded. Awkwardly she patted his arm. "Thank you for not throwing me out. I'm sure I will see you at meetings." "Until then," Severus murmured, and she left. For a few moments, he felt completely stunned. In the space of an hour, demons had been reawakened, wounds reopened, and yet he suddenly felt calmer. More confused than ever, but he suddenly had the odd feeling that somehow, the answer, whatever answer it was he was searching for, was nearby. *** _A/N – I owe the insight on phoenixes to Bored Beyond Belief's wonderful fic 'Never Alone, Never Again'. A/N2 – Yes, it's officially AU now, as opposed to slightly skewed :) I figured I'd finish it in GoF era because in this universe, OotP would have had to have happened totally differently anyway. A/N3 – I would have finished this earlier, but… well, for the reason, read 'The Ballad of Sirius Black'. A/N4 – Epilogue still to come._


	16. Epilogue

_I'm uploading this pretty soon after Chapter 15, so please check if you read it before reading this._ **Epilogue** The small village Severus wanted to go to was off the Floo Network, and he was not well aquainted with Muggle transport. That left Apparition, and that did not seem right, somehow. Perhaps he would try Muggle transport, whilst the trains were a little more complicated than the Hogwarts Express, but he could, undoubtedly, manage. Most of the staff had gone home for the summer by now. Mandy was staying in Hogsmeade, Lupin had already left. For the first time in a while, he felt a pang for the old friendship they had had. Perhaps he should talk to Remus Lupin at some point. Minerva was finishing off paperwork, Albus was still here too, but Severus got the impression it was merely to keep the rest of the staff company. These last couple of weeks, he had realised how much he appreciated the presence of the headmaster. If it had not been for him – would Severus even be alive at all? Somehow, Albus merely being there was a comfort – although Severus would not have admitted it, at least before. He was gradually learning to understand his needs now. He had cut off all his pleasure, limiting it to the emotionless skill of potion-making, and suppressed all his misery, except to expose it in the way that made him fierce and feared. Needs had not existed for him after Voldemort – the hunger had turned to gluttony when he had been serving the Dark Lord. What else could he do now, but fast? The denial of his needs had made him a barren creature – he understood now. It made him weaker, not stronger, letting the misery reign over him and all that touched him. If he could appreciate what he had, perhaps it would awaken a part of him that was not just an empty shell left behind by a Death Eater. He had felt a fervent, devouring desire for control, power. But it was only now that he began to realise what he truly needed was understanding. His security had been his ability, first the dark powers on his side, then the status as Head of House and Potions Master. He needed to be secure in who he was, to understand what went on within whilst the world was changing. He had ignored this before, nearly to the point where he had failed to recognise the evil he was a part in. Severus was not intending to stay at Hogwarts for the whole of the summer. He had done so before, anything to avoid the emptiness of his other residence. He owned a small place in Magical London, and kept mainly to himself there. From there, he could see the rest of the world going past, looking cheerful and happy in the summer sun. He had despised them for their light-heartedness, for their apparent lack of knowledge about the evils of the world. He had despised them for having what he wanted, but did not know how to grasp. He wasn't sure if he would go back there, this summer. One thing was certain, he would not remain in the dungeons, as he had before. He had a passion for Potions, indeed, but for the first time in a long time he allowed himself to realise that they did not satisfy him. The first plan was to get to this village, and he supposed he would have to get to get some Muggle money, and preferably some Muggle clothing. He was in no mood to be stared at. Pushing through his wardrobe, Severus could not find anything suitable. Black robes upon black, a monochrome sequence that spoke of mourning, and green dress robes hardly ever worn. He shuffled along the last black robe, frustrated, and spied something blue. It was royal blue, stiff, smooth, hardy fabric. On it were the letters, faded from time and the lack of the suitable charm to preserve the dye. They were still yellow, though paler, and they read, 'SEEKER SNAPE'. Severus frowned. He didn't remember saving his Quidditch robes, and was fairly sure he had lost them when he graduated. Of course, in the end Quidditch had just been a show of prowess, and when school was over, it passed to make way for other things. There had been no need to keep these robes, for they would prove nothing, and he had other things to conquer. Seeing them now reminded him of the first time he had worn them, trying them on after the Quidditch trials. That had been the same night Malfoy had gatecrashed Remus's birthday party. He had had no idea that he would be suspected for the crime then, and until the interruption, he had been enjoying a pleasant time with friends. Quidditch had been – just a game. Just a game he loved, something he enjoyed playing. Refereeing the match to keep an eye on Potter had brought back these memories too, and then the more painful day they had won the Quidditch cup – and then the way that Quidditch had cheapened into just another way to get revenge. He had hated that boy even more for his innocence, his ability to just enjoy the game for the game's sake. Looking at the robes more fully, Severus noticed a tag attached – a note from the cleaners? _Severus, You left your Quidditch robes at Hogwarts after graduation. It seemed a shame to recycle something that had once meant so much to you. Your broomstick is in the drawer. Albus._ Strangely excited, Severus pulled open the drawer underneath the wardrobe – one he had never thought to use. The broomstick was there all right, needing a polish but otherwise quite workable. Donning a cloak, he walked swiftly down to the Flying department, carefully avoiding the ghosts and hoping not to meet any other teachers along the way – as well as Albus and Minerva, Filius Flitwick and Hagrid were still around, and he wasn't particularly in the mood for questions. Finding a suitable pot of polish, he carefully rubbed it in by hand – the only proper way to do it – and the memories were coming through again, happy, sad, elated and bitter. An hour later, he was aloft. He had carefully enchanted himself and the broomstick with a camouflage charm to hide him from Muggles, and now all he needed to do was find the place he wanted to go to. It had been a long time since he had seen the countryside at this height. It was a clear day and he could see for miles. Endless beautiful green fields, white and brown clumps of houses, deep green forests. The breeze running over him was exhilarating, revitalising. Was flying always as good as this? With a little help from some navigation magic, Severus found the village. It was a few huddled houses, a farm, a church, and a pub, and a road that was barely a road. He landed on the outskirts, and tucked the broomstick inside his cloak. Once down, he felt a sudden nervousness seize him – but he knew what he had to do, and he owed it to himself, now he was this far, to do it. The churchyard was an open one, gravestones scattered around, many with fresh flowers on. Severus walked carefully around them, reading the words on each. Soon enough, he found the one he was looking for – 

James Potter ~ and ~ Lily Potter

A little voice in his head told him he was being silly. That it was too late and this was just superstition. Severus looked around, and could see no one. Placing the broomstick beside him, he carefully sat on the ground. Maybe it was just silly superstition. But there was something he had to come to terms with, and this was the only way he could think of doing it. "Hello James," he said at last. His voice sounded hoarse, strange in this peaceful morning. "Hello Lily." He was talking to nothing but words engraved on a stone, and yet, somehow, he felt someone was listening. "James… I wanted to talk to you. We haven't spoken much since before all the business with the Quidditch cup, Sirius – the Whomping Willow. Voldemort. The last thing I can remember saying to you is, 'That was Remus, wasn't it', and that's barely adequate." Severus sighed, remembering that late night with Mandy, remembering what he said then. It had been painful to him to say it, but strangely the thought of saying it now did not frighten him. "James – you were probably the best friend I ever had. You always made me feel better about myself, you were always ready to cheer me up. You tried to stop Sirius and me from arguing, you accepted me for who I was. But when Sirius accused me, I wanted to blame you too. Blame you for being his friend, for not giving up on him. You never gave up on me either. I remember the sympathetic look in your eyes when I saw you – and you saw what had happened to me. The monster I'd become – and yet, I knew, somehow, you still had hopes for me." This was more than he'd meant to say, but now the words were out they demanded more. Some great tidal barrier was breaking after all these years. Things he had to say – and memories. Bitterness that had stagnated him, coupled with a deep self-loathing. "I blamed Sirius too. I would like to think that everything I did wrong was his fault, that I can still hold something against him. I can't. I asked Malfoy if I could serve Voldemort, and that was my decision. I chose to do it – I knew exactly what I was doing." A horrible, haunting realisation. Severus shivered, even in the sun. And whilst something inside him was struggling to keep those thoughts locked away, something else was desperately forcing them out, as if it was being suffocated under the weight. It was as if part of him was gasping for air. "And much as I try to deny it, I know Sirius wasn't the one who betrayed you. I knew even when I was trying to drag him back to the Dementors, I knew that Remus couldn't possibly still trust this man if he had led the Dark Lord to you. If I hadn't been in hospital – I could have known. I would have discovered who the traitor was. I felt like I'd failed somehow. But I thought that if I remembered how bad Sirius's crimes were, I could forget my own. Now he's been through Azkaban and nearly a Dementor's Kiss – what have I been through? I escaped all that, although I did not deserve to. But my freedom is like being in chains – like invisible Dementors are around me all the time…" Severus's voice was quiet, matter-of-fact. The speech was telling him things he never knew about himself, facing up to the truth he had hidden from. He needed to confess it to James, but he also needed to confess it to himself. "I hated you, James. For no good reason. I hated you for being there to save me from a stupid prank, stopping me from proving that Sirius was the psychopath I believed him to be. Oh yes – and your son doesn't like me much either, the day they celebrate him is the day of your death. What can I do? I treat him like an insect, sent to annoy me. He looks so much like you, yet with Lily's green eyes. I just want to tear him from my sight forever. He's a constant reminder, of what I failed on, of the dreadful day I had no purpose anymore. It's not his fault." _It's not his fault_ reverberated around Severus's brain. What would James say to him, if he could? He would most likely tell Severus how pathetic he was, taking out his frustration on one unfortunately very famous boy. "And James – one last thing. I never got to say… I mean, I never said, never thought to say – thank you. You saved my life… and I repaid you by making that life one of the most miserable in existence. I sometimes wish you hadn't saved me…" The words rang true, terribly true. The hope in James's eyes, though… _He must have thought there was something worth saving_. "Thank you. For giving me another chance. I'm not sure I know how to change anymore, but I can't stay as I am. Somehow – I'll try and make the best of life." The sound of the promise seemed to gently waver in the air, and around him, Severus heard birdsong. Looking up from where he was sitting, he surveyed the surroundings, and was once again surprised by their beauty. The grass was clothed in flowers of all different colours, in the distance, small birds pecked at the ground, and a butterfly flew down onto a leaf. Feeling oddly numb, Severus arose, taking one last, long glance at the stone. Broomstick in hand, he walked away, feeling something incomprehensible rising up inside of him. Not quite knowing what to do, he walked down to the meadow at the bottom of the hill. He was hot in his heavy black clothes, and yet the sun was welcome too, much needed warmth against his face. Eventually it became a little too much, and he walked into the woods, where the shade was cooling and yet through the canopy patches of sunlight shone on the earth like jewels. Stopping to rest for a little, Severus noticed a sound, hooves on the ground. Carefully, he looked around, and through the trees saw a great creature, sleek shining fur and proud antlers. It was a stag. Curious, Severus made an attempt to slip silently closer, freezing when the stag, pricking up his ears, looked back to where he was standing. The stag's eyes and his own met, the stag appearing to pause, as if he would like to say something – or as if he already had. There was no fear in those gentle eyes, but a sympathetic gaze from a fellow creature. Then the stag began to gently gallop onwards, and a doe came after him. As Severus picked his way out of the woods again, he saw the two deer across the meadow, running across the open grass, simply for the joy of being alive. The stag looked back, a look that invited him to run with them, making invisible Dementors flee. He had thought James and Lily were dead. His spirit, too, he thought had died… that worms consumed it long ago, leaving this shell. But what was it inside that shell that was dancing, making rhythmic, musical steps over the barren land? Somewhere, he felt sure, James and Lily lived on, even if their bodies no longer walked the earth. And somewhere, a dark curtain was torn, the light of dawn breaking through the dusty window. It was as fresh as the first time, a shoot through wintry soil, blossom on a bare tree. Severus got on his broomstick, and let himself become a child of the wind again. What had wearied him was making him stronger, sweeping through the sky like an eagle. For the first time he could remember, Severus felt alive. ****** ***** **** *** ** *   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Can this really be the end? Yes, indeed it is. After over a year, I've had a helluva lot of fun with this story, even if no one else has… heh. I really hated the title for a bit, but I can't be bothered to change it right now, and besides I think in the end it did make some true point about the story. I can't believe I've actually finished. Thank you to everyone who's reviewed – hope everyone who's made it this far has enjoyed the story. Big big apologies to Snape's Redemption readers (yes, all six or less of you!). I think I could actually continue that now, because OotP strangely enough doesn't make the plot obselete. On the other hand, I have another plot I think I'd like to work on. It's going to be dark, involve a lot of your favourite Dark Lord (no, not Sauron, I find it hard to write personified eyeballs…) and I hope that, if you're still reading this, you might like to check back perhaps in August and see if you enjoy it. I'm not sure what I'll call it but I think it'll probably have 'Slytherin' in the title. Heh. This story both achieved everything and nothing about what I wanted it to achieve. I, for some reason, wanted to write some sort of story about how the actions of friends/enemies can change a person for good or bad. I didn't think it would get so dark. I also wanted to write a story about Severus with a innocent background, because I've read a lot of things about him having an abusive childhood or something, and although I like a lot of those stories, I don't think everyone who's ever done something terrible that they regret started out with a horrible childhood and complete ostracisation at school. The wonderful thing about writing is that even I discover things that I don't know about life when I'm exploring a fantasy world. It's been great folks. I am immensely grateful to J.K. Rowling for writing such a complex character in Severus Snape, and for not being one of those stingy people who won't allow fanfiction. Further reading… By Me:  
'Like a Fairy Tale' – more of the 'just what was *random character* like as a child?' genre. No Snape I'm afraid, but there is quite a lot of Nicolas Flamel.  
'Touched' – little Snape fic, one of those weird ideas that just comes to you.  
'The Crystal Set' – Similarly dark, not a Harry Potter fic at all, but a fairy tale fic. By Someone Else:  
I know I've mentioned this before, but…  
Bored Beyond Belief's 'Never Alone, Never Again' – extremely angsty, but quite amazing. I find the portrayal of Snape totally awesome. He's just so… Snape! Or on a different vein:  
Macbeth. Fantastic play. Go see it if you can, the poetry is amazing and it's one of the most freakishly scary insights into human nature. The line 'bloody, bold and resolute' comes from Shakespeare. Thank you. Now please review! 


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